


Explorations

by shiliseas



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren (Comics)
Genre: Armitage Hux Being An Asshole, Armitage Hux Needs A Hug, Armitage Hux is a Jerk, Ben Solo - Freeform, Dominant Kylo Ren, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Soulmates, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren x Reader - Freeform, Kylo ren/reader - Freeform, My First Smut, Possessive Kylo Ren, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Kylo Ren, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Smut, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Star Wars - Freeform, Star Wars: The Last Jedi References, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi - Freeform, kylo ren fanfiction, kylo ren fluff, star wars sequel trilogy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:20:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24585976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiliseas/pseuds/shiliseas
Summary: 34 ABY. The First Order invades beautiful Devaron...Biologist y/n is unwillingly taken aboard the steadfast. She is forced to work under direct orders of General Hux in his new project, which he may vaguely describe as "the exploration of planets throughout the galaxy". However much y/n resists, she is drawn to this project. She does not understand why. Meanwhile, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren is drawn to y/n, and at first- much to his dismay.Skeptical of Hux, and even more curious of y/n, Kylo Ren becomes more and more involved in their explorations. Consequently, the true destiny of Kylo ren is revealed.Ben Solo will return.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. My Last Taka-tey

**Author's Note:**

> Some of you may have noticed I keep changing the title and description of this fic. As I write it, the story evolves and the trajectory of the story is becoming more clear. This does not mean any of the published chapters will change though! They are still a part of the story of course.
> 
> This is not only a reader x Kylo Ren/Ben Solo fic- it is also a story of the redemption of Kylo Ren. 
> 
> ALSO- My writing is rusty, I am working on improving it and will come back to earlier chapters to edit!
> 
>   
> __________________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> PLOT NOTES:  
> \- 34 ABY.  
> \- Immediately follows the passing of Jedi Master Luke Skywalker.  
> \- y/n is a biologist  
> \- Upon purging Crait for its minerals and various resources, General Hux begins a galactic exploration of natural resources. The goal? The exploitation of resources for political and practical advantages.  
> __________________________________________________________________________________________________  
> Hello there  
> I love Star Wars, and since The Last Jedi I have been very drawn to Kylo Ren. This is my first time writing fanfic in this universe, and I will try my absolute best to make all elements in this fic as accurate to the SW universe as possible. Unless stated otherwise, all characters, planets, etc, will be canon(including legends)! For those interested, I will provide a little bit of info on each person or thing I mention.
> 
> An important note before I briefly talk about Kylo Ren: I am going to try my best to avoid long paragraphs, and rely more heavily on dialogue. This is to make my writing more visually accessible. This is something personal to me, and I hope it will be positive for you. This first chapter did not really live up to this standard, but I will try my best moving forward and would also love some feedback on how I can better format this.
> 
> A LAST SIDE NOTE-- For those that may not know, I would like to provide some details on Kylo Ren's backstory. This is not to excuse his actions, but to help us better understand the character we will be exploring(in every sense of the word). The comic series The Rise of Kylo Ren is fantastic, and provides his backstory.
> 
> Ben Solo was groomed and manipulated since an early age by Palpatine and Snoke. Throughout the sequel trilogy he is a conflicted character. He goes to the great length of committing patricide(in The Force Awakens) in an attempt to rid himself of conflict and turn completely to the dark side. However, in The Last Jedi he appears most vulnerable, and most torn. This is the Kylo Ren we meet-- Right after the battle of Crait, and his duel with his former jedi master and uncle Luke Skywalker.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n and Kylo Ren meet...

Devaron

34 ABY

**YOUR P.O.V.**

The sun rises over the Blue Mountains of Devaron. The temperature shifts. Wooden floorboards creak. I awake at the sound of a Taka-tey singing, shifting off my side to face the ceiling. My eyes fall to the window opposite my bed, where the golden tail of the Taka-tey peaks out. It sits on a branch that ends a few inches in front of my window. It is rare for this bird to be so close to my home, but I welcome this strange encounter. Today I continue to study the behavior of this beautiful bird.

I swing my feet over the bed, drag my fingers through my hair, and flip it to the side, out of my face. I turn to the bird again.

**"Good morning."** It comes out as nearly a whisper. 

I press my hands on my thighs and stand up. The floorboards creak, I softly smile. 7 years ago, a close friend, Hadiya, and I, built this house. That is 7 years that it _hasn't_ collapsed! It sits in the forest below the Blue Mountains. I was not happy in our capital city, Montellian Serat. It suffocated me. There have been few constants in my life, my relationship with nature is one of them.

I have a memory which often resurfaces: _I am sitting on the edge of the city with Hadiya, we are maybe 10/11 years old. As we talk and make up stories, we watch the forest. I turned to her, " **That is where I belong** ", I said. " **Yeah, with the bugs and rodents!** " She says, laughing._

When I left the city, no one could deny that it is for the best. It was time for me to focus on studying in the middle of the very thing I am learning about. Finally, I felt like I could focus on myself. Like I can try to be the person I hope to be. This work is my purpose, I've always known that. I daydream about studying at an educational institution on another planet, or working in a lab lightyears away. But I can't, and I probably never will. The first order constrains my life, like it does to much of the galaxy. There is too much uncertainty in my safety if I leave. I guess staying on Devaron seems to be the right path after all. Its funny. I have lived here nearly all my life, but I was told truly so little about this planet, that I am now just beginning to appreciate it. 

I am not Devaronian, _just_ human. I do not know much about them, but I do know my parents were a part of the resistance, and died for it. When I was 3 years old, a few years before they died, they took me to Devaron to _grow up_. I do not know why they chose this planet, but I am proud to call the Devaronian _my people_.

**_RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!_ **

I flinch. _Tie fighters_. Great. I haven't even walked away from my bed. But I shouldn't expect them to have the decency to arrive later than the crack of dawn! 'Can't be surprised, we knew they were coming back. It has been a few years since their last visit. The First Order has been rather neutral with us. Nonetheless, my expectations for them are so low I'd have to sink to the bottom of the ocean to reach it. If they find me, I have no choice but to be.. _blank?_ What do I know that they need? _Nothing_. And they would torture me anyway, hurt me just to hear me scream and surrender.. They'll eventually realize that I will die before I give them anything that they may gain from.

I peel off my clothes, throwing them at the foot of my bed. I rush to my dresser. A cool breeze grabs my body, leaving goosebumps. I slip on a tank top, no bra, my work pants, and a leather belt. I collapse onto the floor into a sitting position, and reach for my boots. I slam them on over thick socks, and run towards my bedroom doors. 

**"Shhhhit!"** I slip on a pile of clothes in front of my bed. I nearly wobble onto my knees, but I balance myself with my arms out, and manage to not fall. _Close one._

I run down the hall, fly down the stairs, and rush into the kitchen. I grab a banana and protein bar, which I peel the wrapper off of and stick in my mouth. I hold one half of the bar between my lips, and the other half I chew, as I scramble for my pack. I throw in my binoculars, compass, field notebook, pen, and timer. As I zip it closed I look around the kitchen. _I feel like I am forgetting something... Eh- I'll figure it out later._ And with that, I am finally walking outside.

**_RRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!_ **

**" _Are you fucking joking_ "** I say to myself. _Tie Fighters... or the same one?_ I stare at the ground for a few moments, thinking of what to do. I try to be reasonable with myself. Staying here feels selfish, but going to the city does not feel any more selfless. I know it cannot end well. I turn my attention to the wind blowing through the trees, feeling my heart slow down. I furrow my brows, letting one last thought hang in the air. _What do they want here-out of all places?_

I walk to the side of the house where I had spotted the Taka-tey. It hasn't moved yet. _Strange_. I pull out my notebook, pen and binoculars. Opening the notebook, I glance down at an incomplete ethogram. I sigh. Picking up my binoculars, I watch the Taka-tey. My surroundings fade. I am almost at ease, but a feeling of imbalance lingers. I do not feel alone, I feel watched. _How ironic_. I scoff. _It is just paranoia... I am only anxious_... I swallow my feelings.

* * *

It is a few hours later. My ethogram is a lot less empty! I take a break, reading it through. My thumb slides down the page. I smile in relief, putting my notebook away. Sweat slides down my forehead, dripping from my brow. I continue watching the Taka-tey, who I have now named _Roger_. It sits on a branch near the top of a tree. Its eyes are searching. _I wonder what it sees_.

A sudden breeze raises goosebumps on my legs. I shiver.

**"y/n."** _a_ _voice speaks._

I hold my breath. Adrenaline washes over me. I lower my binoculars to my chests, confusion growing on my face. I turn around. My binoculars bounce on my chest. I meet dark brown eyes, I could mistake them for black. They belong to a _man_... I quickly run my eyes down his body. _Who_ is this? He is heavily clothed in black garments. Leather boots, layered tops, even a cape. _How impractical._ It gives himself away.. Attire of the First Order. They all present themselves similarly, always wearing black as if it proves something.. My eyes fall to his left hand, covered in a black leather glove. I watch his hand close into a fist. He squeezes it, _hard_.

**" _Yes?_ "**

**"You are under arrest by the First Order."** The man spoke, still as a statue.

I furrow my brows slightly, restraining my urge to react. _Under arrest?_ What... _the fuck_. I scoff. Scientists are considered neutral. Anytime we are arrested by the first order it is only for their own self interest... I scan his face, trying to read his emotions. A mask of nothingness. _What is he hiding?_ At the very least, his emotions... But who am I to judge.

**"I am y/n y/l/n. I received a less conventional education, but I consider myself a bio-"**

**" _Yes._ We know."**

**"Like you know my name?"**

**"Yes."**

He appears to be a man of many words!

**"Why are you arresting me?"**

**"The First Order is arresting you. I am- _collecting_ you."** He began to walk towards me.

**"Please- stop."** I raise my arm out to him, my palm open. **"I do not want any trouble."**

**" _Then_ don't give me a reason to. Put your hands out. _Now_."** He pulls out handcuffs, holding them in front of him, waiting for me.

**" _And what if I don't?_** **How do I know who you really are?** **I haven't committed a crime. This is nonsense... Save your time.** _Please._ **"**

**" _Save_ my time?"** The man drops the cuffs, walking to my side. He raises a hand to my head, hovering an inch above it. Then my ears ring. Pain emerges from the back of my skull, then to the front. Knives go through my temples.

" **Thank you for the suggestion."** He whispers, lips close to my ear. I can feel his breath. Then the world goes black.

* * *

**" _Supreme Leader_ . ** **You cannot possibly think this is appropriate! She belongs in a cell!"**

**"Are _you_ questioning my judgement? Should I take notes from a man bested by a rebel pilot?.............. ** **She is our _guest_."**

**" _She_ is under arrest."**

Voices come in and out, soft, then loud, soft, then loud. My eyes flutter until my vision clears. Wide eyed, I notice I am looking at the ceiling. I try to move my arms, but I look down to find my hands in cuffs. I move my hands together, and push myself into an upright position. I can't pull myself together.. The room is black, _everything is black_. I look down, noticing I was laying on two chairs pushed together. I look to be sitting in a conference room.

**" _Shes awake._ Deal with her."** I turn to the voice, who is behind me and to my left. This man, pale and ginger, leaves the room, his posture as straight as an arrow.

I turn back, facing forward. I close my eyes counting my breaths. _One.... Two..... Three.... Four...._ I need to stay calm. I hear the familiar unfamiliar man's boots thudding from behind me. He stops at the head of the table, spinning on his heels to face me. I look him in the eyes, this time I _see_ his face. I didn't have the chance to truly see it before. He wears a scar across his right eye. A purple bruise fades under it. Of course, his skin is very pale.. _What do you expect when you live in space?_ And his hair is black, almost moppy, but it frames his face well. Moles are scattered around his face. His lips are unsettlingly red, almost too full of life. He begins to speak, and my eyes jump up to his.

" **You will work for the First Order under the direct orders of General Hux and I. You will assess planets and their resources that the First Order may gain from. There will be other scientists."**

My eyes widen. _Assess resources?_ I would appreciate a little more clarification. What does he think I study? Who is General Hux? The man he was with? He slowly strides toward me, but I don't dare look. I violently stand up, and he grabs my bicep.

" **Don't."** He says, softer than he intended. I swallow.

**"What happened to my planet?"** _I fume,_ trying to pull from his grip. With his free hand, he gently grabs my chin, staring at me.

**"Nothing."** He turns his head to the side, lowers his eyes, and takes a breath. Perhaps in a train of thought. He turns his head back to me, meeting my eyes. **" _yet._ " **He finishes.

**"If my people are dead... _I_ am good as dead. _I am dead_. **

**You've explained _nothing_ to me. This- this is all hot air! Show me proof that they are safe. Prove to me that won't change. **

**On my life, I swear, I will do anything. Just give me that... _Please_ _._ _"_ **My tone is broken, _weak_. I plead to him with my eyes. He squeezes my chin harder, pulling my face to his. The move is so slight you'd hardly notice it.

" **Do you want to be the reason Devaron is destroyed? You know almost _no one_ will notice.**

 ** _I'll kill them all._ " **My breath hitches. His last words were breathy.. Even e _asy?_

**"But not now. _No_. **

**You know what you have to do. You won't negotiate with me again.**

**You will wait here until your escorts arrive, your living arrangements will be sorted out then.** **"** He lets go of me, walking to the exit. I am... confused to say the least. I don't even know this man's name.

**"Y-You haven't told me who you are."** I speak hastily. With his back to me, he turns his head to the side, almost so that he can see me.

**" _Kylo Ren._ "**

And then he is gone, and I am standing alone. I sit back down, cross my arms out on the table, and lay my head down.


	2. A New Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n is brought to their new quarters

**YOUR P.O.V.**

With my forehead pressed against the table, I squeeze my eyes shut. What do I do when I know nothing about what lies ahead? Do I try to live this lie? I lift my head and turn to the door at the sound of it opening. Two stormtroopers walk in, each carrying a gun.

**"General Hux requests that you retire to your quarters. You are coming with us."**

**" _That's it?"_**

**"Ma'm, you need to come with us. _Now_. _"_**

I am too angry to fight, too tired to interact with them. I stand up and walk to them, but I stop a few feet in front of them. I lift my arm and gesture my hand out to the door.

**_"Lead the way._ "** I say sarcastically. One of the troopers scoffs.

As we walk down the hallways, I stare at their backs, avoiding looking at anyone passing by. I think about where these troopers came from. How many men they've killed, and how they feel about it. I can't help but wonder about everyone on this ship. All the individuals, with their own developed lives, aiding in the conquering and tormenting of worlds across the galaxy. And amidst this war, they _kill_ , but so does the other side. Though my heart lies with the resistance, I know this war is not at all so black and white.

We approach the entrance to what I assume to be my new quarters. There is a keypad on the left, which one of the troopers now types on. When the entrance opens, I look at them. They say _nothing_ , and I step inside. It closes behind me, and I am once again _alone_. I am alone on a ship that I do not even know the name of, but maybe the less I know the better. I look around, immediately noticing everything is black except for some colored buttons on the walls which are red or white. In front of this entrance is a table. Small, simple, _boring_. In some strange way it is comforting. I walk around the table and notice the room opens out to the left into a kitchen. Then I turn to my right, and see two doors. I walk to the one farthest to the left. I open it, and I am met with a dark room illuminated by starlight. It pours through a large window, which spans across the far wall in front of me. A queen size bed is pressed against the wall, the window is to its right. The bedroom feels _kind of_ thoughtful, taking me by surprise. This all feels too generous. Shouldn't they be putting me in something... _Uncomfortable?_ Perhaps they assume I need some sort of morale boost.

Without giving it a second thought, I strip my clothes and crawl into bed. I close my eyes, relaxing my body. I feel like I haven't taken an easy breath in years. I drift to sleep, my body bathing in gentle starlight.

* * *

I will never learn this fact, but during my sleep I had a visitor. He came into my quarters expecting a _lively_ y/n, but was met with me dozed off in bed. Standing in the doorway, he watched me for a few moments. He walked quietly towards me, and held his right hand over my head. He closed his eyes, trying to sift through my dreams. He saw images of love, but not towards anyone in particular. I was dreaming of watching a Taka-Tey back on Devaron. The feelings of peace and content I held in those moments, which he was now feeling with me, was something he had not felt in years. Realizing he was sharing these emotions with me, he quickly withdrew his hand and opened his eyes. He had betraying himself, dipping his hands in images of the _light_. He must have known he would, but nonetheless, _he was unsettled._ He looked at me for a few more moments. Then he, _Kylo Ren_ , left quickly. He took heavy and aggressive steps back to his quarters, where he meditated for _2 hours_. 

* * *

My eyes flutter open. I lay on my right side, facing away from the window. I am staring at the legs of a stormtrooper, and my eyes bulge. I quickly sit up, pulling the covers up with me. I look down at my pile of clothes on the floor. _I hope they don't notice that_..

 **"Ma'm-"**

**" _Why are you in my bedroom?_ "** I cut him off. Furrowing my brows. **" _How long have you been here?_ "**

 **"General Hux requires your presence immediately. You will be escorted in 10 minutes. We will be outside your quarters until then.** " The trooper tells me. He walks to my bedroom door, but just as one leg makes it past the door, he _stops_.

 **"We won't be in your quarters again."** They speak, head turning to the side towards me. Their tone seems to reveal their real voice more. As they leave, uneasiness grows within me. However strange the gesture is, I do appreciate it. I look at the pile of clothes on the floor again, and shrug. _I wonder if this place has any clothes_. I open what I assume to be a closet, and sure enough, there are a bunch of black clothes hanging. I find clothes that nearly fit- black dress pants, and a black sweater. _Man, I really hope their are shoes somewhere... I do not want to wear my boots with this._ Eventually, I find a hoard of shoes. They are all the same style, but like the clothes, in a variety of sizes. I find the right size and slip into them. They are just a pair of black leather shoes. I go to the bathroom, have a much needed pee, and freshen up. I am _extremely_ grateful the cabinets are filled with toiletries. I decide to leave my hair down. Walking to the door, I realize I haven't eaten anything. I have no appetite, so I don't bother looking in the kitchen.

Automatically, the entrance opens. I smile at the trooper. They immediately begin walking, the thumps of their boots echoing throughout the empty halls.The hallways are grey, and everything looks the same. Every detail is a copy of another. I walk with my head angled down, eyes barely in focus. We both say nothing. Though I don't mind not speaking. _Its not like I have anything to say_. We walked for a long 5 minutes. Then, taking me by surprise, the trooper stops in front of a door and steps aside.

**"Go in."** They direct me.

The door slides open. Without any questions, I walk in. Overhead lights poorly illuminate the room. Starlight washes in from a long window. It reminds me of my isolation, my unknown place in space. Blocking my view of the stars are two people, both sat at the long table in front of me. I look at them, and as my eyes drag around their features, my right leg begins to tremble. One of them, a woman with dark curly hair and a strong demeanor, is leaning back in a chair, her right leg bent and resting up on her left knee. She is reading a book, not paying any attention to me. A man to her right is sitting up, looking at papers sprawled out in front of him. He has good posture, but it isn't stiff. He looks up at me, and a warm smile forms. 

**"Please, sit."** He says. He turns his papers over, and sets his glasses down on the table. I take a breath, and sit in front of him.

 **"I- I have been told close to nothing. Why have I come here?"** I ask. My leg continues to shake. I put my hands on my lap under the table, hiding them as they begin to shake, too.

**"Before they came to your planet, Hux briefed us on you.. Or rather, the possibility of you- a biologist. I am sorry you are here, y/n."**

At the sound of my name, I rose my eyes to him. Confusion grew on my face.

**"Hux will arrive soon, but for now, it is only us. You do not have to worry here. Mae and I are not allies to the First Order."**

**"Not allies?"** Mae laughs, setting her book down on her lap. **"You are being generous. I fall asleep thinking about this place imploding. None of us belong here, but I know we know that. At least the company isn't so bad..."** Mae smirks at him, obviously poking fun at him.

**"I should've mentioned- I'm Iris. It is nice to meet you. To put it simply, I study chemistry. Mae and I have been on this ship for a few weeks. Now that you are here, we can finally see some sunlight... We have heard tomorrow may be our first trip."**

**" _Trip?_ I don't understand."**

Iris sighs, rubbing his forehead. He pursues his lips for a moment, making a face as though he is thinking with _concern_.

**"Honestly, it is hard to know where to begin. In their words, we are all here to assess planets... Find _new_ resources, _new_ sources of power. I do not think they quite understand what they are asking for. They have a shell of an idea. It is idealistic, _naive_. A reckless pursuit. I think you understand that better than either of us." **Iris finishes with a sigh.

 **"No. But I do understand it. I worry that they are looking for something in particular, but are too distrustful to share it. I-"** I sigh. **"My mind keeps running. I think about all the possibilities... If we are visiting different planets, can we really expect to be alone? Can we expect that they do not harm and disturb these places? The _gall_ of these men." **

**"We are valuable to the First Order, we can use that to our advantage. We have to be cautious about it, almost _too_** **conservative. What they do not understand about our work is in our favor. I will tell Hux it is important our work is not disturbed by any foreign presence. He will fight it, but Mae is... _convincing_** **."** Iris forms a subtle smile.

I relax my face. Looking into his eyes, I feel a sense of certainty that things will be okay. At least today they will be. The door opens, and a ghostly man walks in.. Hux looks more pale than I remembered.

**"Good day."** He walks in front of the table, standing up straight. 

He goes into a long dreadful speech about this _project_ of his. He expects us to travel to the planets he has chosen, and.... _"assess them"_. He wants us to document mineral deposits, vegetation, etc.. _He wants to know if there are resources that could be of value to the first order._. Gathering the three of us seems like overkill. _Eventually_ , he stops speaking. He shoots me a grimly smile, instructing all of us to leave separately to our personal quarters. After lunch we will meet again, _briefly_ , and discuss tomorrow's trip. I am the first to leave, following another robotic storm trooper. As I stare at the ground, walking behind them, I barely notice Kylo Ren walk past me. For a quick second, I swear I saw his head turn to me.

* * *

y/n, Iris, and Mae, are each in their quarters. Y/n is wandering throughout her quarters, looking through every nook and cranny. Iris is taking a nap after drinking wine with a small snack. Mae sits and reads, then does some random training as she often does to pass the time. She writes in her notebook the training she did, and then about this morning.

Hux is still standing in the conference room. His ability to stand straight for long periods of time with ease, has created conspiracies among his colleagues that he is a robot. He stares out the window at the stars. He smirks, believing he is going to rise his army to unexpected strength.

**"General Hux, I see the scientists aren't here. _Did you forget we have a new one aboard?_** " Kylo speaks with a hint of sarcasm. They both try to get under each other's skin any chance they get. 

**"I spoke to them this morning. I will see them again after lunch to discuss tomorrow's trip. Have you had any final thoughts on the planet?"**

**"No. Your plans for an exploration of Kirtania is suitable, _General_."** Kylo balls his right hand into a tight fist.

 **"Do you believe they will not resist once they realize what you are looking for? I would hope the _filth_ are smarter than I presume. Yet if that is the case, what you seek to accomplish may fail."** Kylo speaks again. **"Reinforcements may be... _necessary_."**

 **"Of course. Troopers will assist th-"**

" _ **No. I need to accompany them."**_

 **"Sir? You have your duties. I- I do not believe this!"** Hux raises his voice, clearly expressing anger, yet still appearing _stiff_. **"I- Ack-"** Hux chokes out, watching Kylo raise his arm before him. Using the force, he _chokes him_. Only a few seconds pass, leaving hux hunching over the table, _gasping._ He is able to keep his head up, _looking_ at Kylo.

 **"Can you not command the army on _your own_? The resistance has _waned_. Skywalker is _dead._ Our restoration of _order_ in the galaxy is stronger, _there are no boundaries_."** Kylo spit every word out to him, no word was uttered gently. 

" **Supreme Leader, _don't get carried away with personal interests_.**"

 **" _Personal interests?_ "** His eyes dart around Hux's face. **"You know _nothing_ of what I have to do."** Hux shoots him a ridiculous face, unable to take that statement seriously. Kylo only grits his teeth, leaving the room.

The unusualness of Kylo's interest does not go unnoticed by Hux _and_ the supreme council. Knowing they have no influence over the _Supreme Leader,_ they say _nothing_. A few council members gossip among themselves, claiming it to be a part of some sort of " _sith training._ " In the back of Kylo's mind, _yes_ , it may be akin to training. The death of Luke Skywalker has disturbed the force. Amidst this all, he has _no master_ , and _no guidance_. Kylo Ren is now an _autonomous_ _creature_. The shadow that was Snoke has faded. He has not had such freewill since he sought out the Knights of Ren. But even _that_ was not an act without pressure from others. For as long as he can recall, Snoke had Kylo Ren on a leash. He has much to learn about the force, and now he has no choice but to seek it out... _alone._ Though he finds himself distracted. He senses something about that group of scientists. His judgement is clouded, but there is a pull in the force. _He is drawn to them_. 

Kylo Ren retreats to his quarters, a space anything but humble. This is not by his design, he could not care less. Kylo walks to the middle of the first space in his quarters- a white, large room. _Bare_ of any personality and personal belongings... _Except_ for the object that he tries to define his path with, the object that _guides him_. Siting atop a pile of ashes, a black damaged helmet lays. The helmet of his grandfather. The armor of _Darth Vader_.

" _ **Guide me**_." Kylo speaks. He rests one hand on that helmet, his eyes closed. It becomes clear to him what he must do, and he steps away, his eyes searching around the room as his thoughts move fast. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . 
> 
> Some hallways inside the _Steadfast_. 
> 
> **Iris the chemist**
> 
> **Iris the chemist**
> 
> _(Actor Aldis Hodge)_
> 
> ****
> 
> **Mae the geologist**
> 
> _(Ellen Ripley played by Sigourney Weaver in Alien.)_
>
>> **This is just how I view them in my head. These characters are whoever you imagine them to be!**
> 
> * * *


	3. The First Briefing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux briefs Iris, Mae, and y/n on their first voyage...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is very short, but the next chapter should be up soon!

**YOUR POV**

_Only I can make my decisions. I have control. I have control. I have_ control. I ruminate on these thoughts, pouring cold milk into a bowl of bland cereal. I walk back over to the fridge and open it, bending down and placing the milk inside. I enjoy the cold air that briefly rushes out. I sit in front of my cereal at a black table. Before I eat, I stare at the bowl for longer than necessary. Then I pull my wrist to eye level and look at my watch. _12:43_. _Shit!_ I have barely 15 minutes until we meet with Hux again. Where had the time gone?

I finish my bowl of cereal, then slam a cup of coffee down my throat. Thankfully, the coffee was lukewarm. I leave my dishes out on the table and exit my quarters. _No stormtroopers... How odd_. I take wide steps, quickening my pace with every second. Once I make it to the door, I clean up my hair and straighten my clothes. Then I walk inside, immediately meeting the eyes of Iris. His facial expression does not change, and his eyes quickly avert my own. He is now looking at Hux, who I had not noticed.

 **"We are waiting on Mae. Take a seat, you will be briefed on tomorrow's trip shortly.** **"** Hux tells me. Hesitantly, I walk to the table and sit across from where Hux is standing, with the door to my right.

A few minutes pass until Mae walks in. She is clearly unconcerned about her lateness, and takes a seat beside me.

 **"I understand this may seem rather _quick_.** **Tomorrow the three of you will travel to Kirtania, a planet in the outer rim."**

I raise my eyebrows, then turn to look at iris who sits at the head of the table facing the door. Again, he looks at me _expressionless_. His eyes trail down to the table, then to me, and then to Mae. I take a deep breath, continuing to furrow my brows. As I return my gaze to Hux, I relax my face. Mae leans forward, straightening her posture.

 **" _Who_ will pilot us?"** Mae asks. 

**"Ah, yes."** With his arms behind his back, he takes a few steps forward. **"You will have the great honor of the company of the Supreme Leader. _He_ will pilot you all. He... has unrelated business to attend to. "** Hux speaks with reluctancy.

 _The Supreme Leader? No. No!_ I almost shake my head, but stop myself. _I close my eyes,_ squeezing my eyelids shut. Placing an elbow on the table, I bring the hand to my forehead and rub it.

**"Is there an issue y/n _?_ I wouldn't want to notify the Supreme Leader of any complaints."** Hux stares at me. A smirk creeps onto his lips, but he quickly shoves it down.

" **Absolutely not, sir. No issue wit-"** Mae cuts me off, subtly grabbing my right forearm under the table.

 **"Our voyage may be considered delicate, it is a necessity that our presence is discrete. Any disturbance to the planet may jeopardize _everything_. You will send us alone. _Always_." **Mae speaks with certainty in her voice. She carries an aura starkly contrasting the woman I met this morning. I turn my head towards her, but only slightly. I look at her in the corner of my eyes, which are bulging.

 **"I will send you alone.** _**Always**_." Hux mirrors her words. I lift my head to him, preparing for an eruption of laughter to spill from his lips. _But it doesn't_. Then Hux looks confused, almost as though he has lost himself in thought. Mae squeezes my forearm, then releases it and places her hand back on her lap.

 **"Hm. Where was I?... Tomorrow you will arrive at the docking bay at 07:00.** **You will spend one night there, leaving the next day at 15:00. Organize sleeping arrangements amongst yourselves, you may also reach me via your data pad. The native species is Araquia, _arachnoids._ There is a population of immigrated humans, and a variety of other species. You will need to be extremely conservative with your actions. You will not enter any city, or voyage to any developed land besides any possible mining complexes-- Do further research on your own, I do not have the time."** Hux clears his throat.

 **"You are not being thrown on a random planet. Further details on your individual tasks have been sent to your datapads. All of which are classified. I expect each of you to carefully look over your briefings."** Hux taps his foot. **"Today is a busy day, I am afraid that is all the time I may spare. However- _Iris_ , _mae_ \- Please excuse yourself. I must speak with y/n alone."** He forces a smile.

Iris and Mae stand up, their chairs screeching against the floor. They both look at me with concern, then look at each other. I am looking at Hux, I do not look at them. But as Iris and Mae are about to walk through the door, I can't help but turn my head and watch them leave. 

**_"On Kirtania, Iris and Mae may find themselves... bored._ You will not get distracted. Is this understood?"**

**"Yes."** It slips out without any care.

 **"We need you to find the Shiarha Root. You cannot share any information you come across about it. Do not ask anyone about it... You will only put yourself, _Iris_ , and _Mae_ , at risk. _Am I making myself clear?_ "** He stares at me _ghoulishly_. I drop my chin, keeping my eyes set on him.

 **"And what if I am not comfortable with _this_?"** I ask. But I know the answer. _Hux laughs_.

 **"Do _you_ think you have a say? Do _you_ think you truly know what it is you should and should not do? You lived on one planet your whole life. _Your perspective is limited."_** A breath catches in my throat. 

It is unlike me to be so controlled, to bite my tongue. But for the sake of any influence I may have over some of these planet's fates, I must play this part _well_. Like Mae said, none of us should be here. But I may as well take advantage of it.

 **"Please return to your quarters, y/n. Prepare for tomorrow. You may find the trip to be enjoyable, perhaps I hope you do."** He spins on his heels and leaves, walking with his hands behind his back.

 _I hope you do?_ Thank you, Hux. I will take it with a grain of salt, but it nearly warms my heart. I laugh to myself, tucking my hair behind my ears. I get up, taking a long look out the window at the stars. I walk to my quarters with a lack of steadiness. When I arrive, I sit on the sofa, collapsing forward onto my knees. I rest my face in my hands, and I softly cry. I let it all come back to me. I think about my last wakeful moments on Devaron, _the Taka-tey_.. I think about Kylo Ren. That he has brought me here.. He has taken the lives of many, but I can't help but wonder- does he think about mine? Or Iris's? Or Mae's? _I am- collecting you_... I hear him say. He made a choice to distinguish his actions from an arrest- from an act that is more obviously nonconsensual. I want to see good in him so that I may find some comfort in _someone_ aboard this ship.. but I think he was only trying to get me comfortable enough to submit.

* * *

_Walking on the command bridge with a few generals, Kylo Ren senses y/n's thoughts lingering on him. He stops midstep, but quickly regains his focus to their conversation._

_**"Do what must be done."** He tells them, searching through the force for y/n. He hears her thinking of their first interaction on Devaron. He grows angry, then confused that he is connecting with her in the first place. Why do I allow this distraction? He thinks. Through anger, through emotional curiosity, I may grow my strength. He concludes._

* * *

I pull at my hair, then drag my fingers down my face, which rests between my knees. I sit up, wiping my eyes. _The pain will fade. I will find strength_. I think to myself.

It is early in the day. I think about reaching out to Iris or Mae via my datapad, but realize I do not have the energy to. I need to savor my last moments alone and in my quarters. I lounge around for awhile, eventually eating a light dinner. I get in bed around 20:00, sitting up with my datapad on my lap. Before reading my personal briefing from Hux, I search the First Order database for the Shiarha Root. The information page read as follows:

_**Shiarha Roots** were found on the [planet](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Planet/Legends) [Kirtania](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kirtania). Fluid from inside the roots cured the [Direllian Plague](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Direllian_Plague)([*](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Shiarha_Root))_

My throat tightens. **"** _ **What?"**_ I say aloud, dramatically, in utter disbelief and confusion. _The Direllian Plague?_ I have never heard of such a thing. Why would the First Order have any interest in the cure? I shiver. I cannot find much information on this plague--only that it is a respiratory disease which had raged on Kirtania. I decide to turn my datapad off and go to sleep. I feel too sick, I will read the briefing in the morning. I lay back and roll onto my side, staring out at the stars until my eyes grow too heavy.


	4. Onward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And away they go................. to Kirtania!

_Endless woodlands consume my dreams. It is quiet. I am alone. Then I hear footsteps from somewhere ahead, lost in the swarms of trees and hanging vines. A black cloaked figure emerges, he holds his hand out to me, as if asking me to take it. I meet familiar eyes. Kylo Ren's._

_Silence and an open plain consume Kylo's dreams. He walks aimlessly. The sun shines aggressively. A human like shape appears ahead. He walks to it without any thoughts. As he draws closer and closer to it, he realizes it is a woman. She wears a small and gentle smile, her face is nothing but calm. He realizes it is you, y/n. He feels no conflict, no resistance. No strong feelings. However, he is not absent of emotion. You wear a long flowy dress, almost that of royalty. You look at him, and he only looks at you. You slip one strap off your shoulder, and then the other. The dress falls down your body. He is overwhelmed with yearning._

* * *

**YOUR POV**

I awake from my dream abruptly, leaving what now feels like a nightmare. My consciousness feels disturbed. It is a feeling I cannot describe. I roll over to face my nightstand, sliding the datapad off and into my hand. It is 5:42am. Seems like enough time to go over that briefing and pack. I completely forgot about dealing with sleeping arrangements, I will have to apologize to Mae and Iris... I doubt they haven't figured out what they are doing. I am actually happy to just sleep out in my sleeping bag(technically the First Order's. I found a stash of gear). My sleeping pad isn't _too_ bad.

 _I think I need this-_ a moment of simpleness like sleeping on the ground in a forest. After this first trip, it will only get worse. I have no idea how to hold onto my values, my _morality_. Am I nuts to not run to civilization the moment we arrive on that planet? I let out a small laugh. No matter how hard I try, I am not quite sure I can really get away. At least without consequences.

I pack my bag first. Then I sort myself out-brush my teeth, figure out my hair situation. I packed the outfit I arrived in, but I am tempted to wear it now.. I planned on changing into it later unless _mister_ supreme leader stops me. Well, anyway, I slip on another black outfit, because that is easiest, and because frankly, I don't really care. I need to figure out the status quo here. I don't want to say I am going to assimilate, but I am going to survive here. I am going to do the job I am being forced to carry out, and I am going to do it _the right way_. If I can manipulate things somehow, maybe we can leave these planets with an ecosystem that is still sustainable. _Isn't it in there best interest to not deplete these planet's completely? At the very least, not the flora?_

I drop a duffel bag full of my things + a field bag by the door. Then I curl up on the sofa, looking over my briefing from Hux. 

Kirtania has a temperate climate. There are a variety of biomes throughout it- woodlands, forests, arctic, desert... It often rains, too. The information he gave me, as well as what I found in the database(that I am able to access), is quite minimum. The planet was once well known for exporting medicine, which were developed from a variety of native flora. Hux then describes the native arachnoid species, Araquia. Its bite contains a paralytic, which has not been studied. Hux emphasizes their pacifist nature, they do not prey on beings they believe are "intelligent" or highly "self aware." He says they were once( or _are they still?_ ) regarded as protectors of the natural environment, serving as both guards and guides, especially of the forest. They have a deep understanding of native plants. The only plant mentioned is Liana, a woody vine found in rainforests. No mention of the _Shiarha Root_.

I bite the corner of my lip, then drag my teeth off it. I eat a simple breakfast, then fill my large bottle water. I remember I found a watch and put in my pack, so I, quite frankly almost excitedly, walk over to grab it. I put it on. The time is **6:22**. With over 30 minutes to spare, I decide to head on over to the docking bay. It will give me time to calm down. _How will I know where to go? Which ship are we taking? I wonder how fucking uncomfortable it will be with Kylo Ren around... I do not buy Hux's lazy reason for Kylo coming. Something feels off. I hope it has nothing to do with our work. Maybe it will just be some stupid dispute with the immigrated human population I read about... But I doubt it._

I wobble my way to the docking bay with my things. When I arrive, I take a long look around, the silence putting me at ease. A black shuttle sticks out like a sore thumb. Sound seems to be coming from it too. I make my way over to it, concentrating on not quaking in my boots. I desperately chuckle to myself at that thought. 

The entrance to the ship is down, but no sign of anyone. I am not sure whether I should feel comfortable, or on edge, so I put myself somewhere in the middle. I make my way up it, and I see a large cloaked body facing away from me. I shrug, making a face of disappointment with a tinge of light heartedness. This is comical. Although, I should have known he would be here early. I've been busy worrying about myself. Maybe I need to take a step back. _Remember Iris and Mae?_

**"You are early."** Kylo speaks.

 **"And so are you."** I make a face, feeling mortified at having any kind of humorous tone with him. I have no idea what the boundaries are. He is still standing away from me, messing with the dashboard. I set my bags down next to a seat.

" **I woke up early on my own. It worked out that I could get here early, avoiding the excitement of being in a rush!"** I chuckle. The silence of the room gobbles it up. I don't mind that he shows no response or acknowledgment. I feel lonely enough that the simple act of speaking to someone lifts me up. I could say it is tasteless to do this with him, but all that I know of him is what I have heard through the grapevine. I know he has played a role in the pain and hurt across this galaxy, but I also know there is a lot that I do not know... How he grew up, who or what made _him_ \- _Kylo Ren **.**_

" **I sense curiosity from you.** "

" **Why shouldn't I be curious?** **This is a new life in a new place, and I am under the command of _strange men_. I feel like a pet goldfish dropped in the sea." **

Kylo turns around. I am immediately filled with intimidation, a feeling that I dread and resent. He looks at me. His eyes are dead. He doesn't do anything with his body. He looks around my face, and then meets my eyes again. My mind is overwhelmed by a strange illusion- a feeling that kylo is reaching out to me. And for a moment I see conflicted eyes-eyes of emotion. And then, in an instant, it is gone.

**"You want to understand me. Don't you?"** His tone bites. It is an abrupt change. Then he pauses. For a brief moment he searches my eyes for a reaction. I am only looking at him, fighting with myself to keep up a wall and have some respect so I can keep my head. **" _Are you compelled by the dark?_ "** He takes two steps forward.

I lift my eyebrows. **"Am I- _compelled_ by the dark? Depends on what you mean by that... The _Sith_ religion?" **The moment it slipped out I knew I needed to take 20 steps back. _That_ is not something a person like me should know about. But to be fair... Our capital city is as old as the Galactic City of Coruscant. 

" _ **What do** **you** **know about the Sith?"**_ HIs tone is dark, his voice sightly raised. His jaw is tense.

**"I know little about it. I try to educate myself on things that influence our galaxy- our history, culture, society..."** I try to speak calmly, but I know it is clear to him that I am nervous. I fear that he will interpret this as me hiding something. That answer _is_ true. But, there is more to it. Part of my interest in the Sith, as well as the Jedi, is with understanding this ' _war'_. The _war_ my parents fought and died for.

**"For your sake, let that be the only truth."** He breathes heavily. I grow woozy trying to understand what he means.

 **"You know I will find out about you. _Why hide?_ " **He speaks with more movement in his face or jaw.

" **I can't imagine what there is to _find_.** **"** I reply. For a few moments more, we continue to hold eye contact.

_Two voices in the distance grow louder_. I think my rescue party has arrived! Kylo's head snaps to them, then he turns back to the dashboard.

"Hey." I say to them, smiling. It is difficult to describe how relieving it is to be with them. 

**"I forget to talk to you guys about sleeping arrangements, I am really sorry. Were you able to sort it out? I am going to be sleeping outside in my sleeping bag, I am looking forward to it! As long as it does not rain."** _I... just remembered it often rains. Well, it is only for one night. What are the odds it will rain? Probably not in my favor, but who knows?_

**"Mae turned out to be.... _resourceful_."** Iris spoke. Kylo turned his head slightly back and towards us, hiding a look of suspicion.

 **"We are sharing a tent that will be a bit cozy. At least I don't have to worry about freezing at night!"** He let out a throaty laugh. I laughed a bit with him, and Mae grinned.

**"Excited to not breath _ship air?_** " Mae asks. She dropped her bags at the seat next to mine. She comes closer to me, and, noticing my clear unease, reaches out and rests her hand on my shoulder.

 **"I have your back.** " She looks at me with care. **"You don't _need_** **to have mine... But that _would_ be nice."** She chuckles.

**"Hm. I'll have to think about it."** I joke back

A few minutes pass until Kylo turns around, telling us to prepare for lift off. It was very strange to witness this man telling us to "follow the necessary procedures". I smiled when he sat in the pilot's chair, appreciating this gesture, which then caused me great guilt. After a few minutes of talking with Iris and Mae, pressure built up in my head. Then I began to feel incredibly drained. I told them I had to close my eyes, and I fell asleep for the remainder of the trip. I looked forward to spending this down time with them, but I knew I shouldn't try to stay awake.

Kylo peacefully flew us to Kirtania. Iris and Mae held a conversation the whole trip, and I simply dozed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sources:  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kirtania  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/T%27Jaleq_Kith%27Araquia  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Kutu  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Shiarha_Root  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Montellian_Serat/Legends


	5. Kirtania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n arrives on Kirtania. y/n, Iris, and Mae, go off on their own ventures. Kylo Ren is know where to be seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CHAPTER 8 WILL BE UP 6/26*
> 
> Hi, I hope you are doing well!  
> I first want to say that I am going to go back and edit earlier chapters to make vocab corrections. I want to make sure this really feels like you are in the SW universe. 
> 
> Please see the end of the chapter for a list of the SW vocab + definitions I use in this chapter.
> 
> P.S. I couldn't find any images of Kirtania, so I drew my own. I realized it is not 100% accurate because there is an arctic and desert, so I will probably make another one later. I don't have the time to redo it, so lets pretend the other side of the planet has those biomes.

**Kirtania**

_Outer Rim Territories_

**YOUR P.O.V.**

I awake to an empty ship. Light pours in from the entryway. _Have we arrived?_ I check my watch- **09:10.** I am not sure how long I have been here, and I am not sure why they didn't wake me up. I get out of my seat, searching out the entryway for _anyone_. I see no one, so I think I am going to change into those field clothes I packed. I quickly undress and pull them on. _That's better_. I grab my bags and make it down the entry ramp. 

**" _Nice Civvies._ " ** Mae speaks from a few feet ahead, she stands in the woods. I do not see anyone else. 

" **Is that what you wore when they took you?"** She furrowed her brows while speaking.

**"It is. Do I look the part?"** I reply, setting my bags down as I grab my bearings.

**" _You sure do_." **Iris speaks from behind. I realize both Mae and Iris are back in their civvies, too. No rational being would go out in complete black.. 

**"Thanks for letting me sleep. What have you both been up to?"**

**"I set up our tent, haven't been doing much but getting myself together. Want a Lum?"** Mae holds one out with the cap off. 

**"I would love one... _How the sithspit did you get it?_ "** I leave my bags and walk over to hear. I grab it and immediately take a slow gulp.

**"Uh. I bribed someone. Iris?"** Mae holds out a Lum to him.

**"Yes ma'm."** He jokingly replies, walking over and grabbing it from her.

**"So where is our _lord Ren_?"** I ask. Mae laughs, her eyes averting mine to the woods, which moves across it. She looks back at me.

**"He did not say.** **We arrived, and then he walked off. I-He is likely meditating**."

**" _Meditating?_ "** I ask. I have read that force users meditate to strengthen their connection to the force. It surprises me that he may have immediately went off to do _that_. I can't explain why, but I feel so suspicious of him. _**"Why do you think he is actually here?** **"**_ I squeeze my toes.

Mae sighs. Iris and her exchange glances.

**"There are probably many reasons. I think he is telling himself this is an opportunity to train in the force."**

**"You do? What makes you say that?"**

" **I sense it."** Mae replies. I look at her, confused. I lift my brows. _Sense it?_ There are only a few things this could mean. I worry it is the obvious one. _Can nothing be simple?_

**"I am sensitive to the force. But I am weak with it."**

**"Are you a _jedi_?" **I ask. Mae squints, and takes a swig of her beer. She exhales.

**"No. _I am no jedi._ The religion is dead, _as it should be_."** My face shows obvious confusion. _Dead as it should be?_ To be fair, I know very little of the Jedi and Sith. I know that they are considered to be gone from existence. When I was a youngling, I was told stories of the last Jedi, Luke Skywalker. They said he destroyed the last Sith.. I scoff. Is that why Hux ensured us we will be alone on our trips?

**"y/n, when do you plan to go out?"** Iris asks, gently changing the topic.

 **"Oh! I forgot, here is a comlink. We all have one."** Iris hands it to me. I take it, observing it in my hand. I can't remember the last time I held one.

**"Thank you... It would probably be a terrible idea to go without one. I think I will leave soon. I first need to write down my whole plan for today."** Then I remember I only have one thermos, and no food.

" **Holy kriff. I have no food and only one thermos. Did we bring supplies?** " I ask worriedly. Mae grins.

**"Don't you worry. We have a couple extra thermos, a fair amount of food. I think I will eat in a few hours while I am out. Shall we plan to meet for dinner?"** Mae asks. She walks over to stacked crates by the entry ramp. She opens one, and throws me a metal tin. I catch it with surprise. I find a few cookies in it- Not the sweet kind. Military cookies meant for easy energy and protein. I feel grateful..

**"What time? Around 19:00?** "

**"That works for me."** Iris speaks, joining Mae by the crates. They both look through them, pulling out what they need. I watch Iris then walk over to a very large thermajug, filling two thermos'. _I was just going to ask about water._

**"Yeah, that sounds good.**

**I am traveling to a mining complex. I have coordinates that I will bet you are inaccurate. They are supposed to be abandoned, but I don't buy it.."** Mae pauses, and thinks for a moment.

**"y/n, can you shoot?"**

**"Can I _shoot?_ No. I've never held a blaster. I actually hate them."** I tell her. Mae chews the inside of her cheek.

**"Would you like a _very_ short lesson on how to? We have a few blaster rifles. I also found a blaster on the ship."** She asks warmly. I can see it in her eyes she wants me to say yes.

**"I don't think that is a good idea. Aren't they loud? We shouldn't risk drawing attention**."

**"I think I should at least _show_ you how to hold it, and how to shoot the thing- well, not _actually_ shoot it."**

I look to Iris. He gives me a slight nod. _Does he know how to shoot?_ _I hardly see him wanting to use such a thing._

**"I understand your reluctance. I was reluctant at first- when I was first put in a situation where it seemed necessary to carry a blaster."** Iris tells me. I wonder what he is referring to, but I do not ask. Now is not the time.

**"Okay Mae, give me the run down**."I say smiling, but then change my expression to one of fear. Mae goes back to her tent, and pulls out a blaster rifle. I assume she is keeping the one blaster for herself. She shows me how to switch it from normal to the stun setting. How to hold it, how to aim, general safety tips, etc. We both know that if I actually have to use it, I am going to need to be both lucky and diligent. It has a leather strap, which I feel so grateful for- I can't imagine outright carrying the thing in my hands.

**"Thank you, Mae. I really appreciate this."** I tell her once the mini lesson is done.

I walk over to my bags, and drop them off by their tent. I start to go through my pack, putting in food for lunch and another filled thermos. I pull out my notebook and stylus. _I am supposed to look for the Shiarha Root?_ I write that down in my notebook, I write location under it with 3 question marks. I need to document other flora too. We are supposed to avoid civilians, all _intelligent_ creatures, but I have an urge to do something that I know I shouldn't. These forests are sacred to the Araquia. I know they once guarded these forests. What if they are still here? _They could help me. I know I should not find this root, but something is compelling me to._ _I can't place it. If I don't find this root, someone else will. And I can't understand why I feel the need to be the one to do it._ After a few minutes of sorting out my thoughts and _my plan_ , I stand up and put on my pack. I sling the rifle over my shoulder. Mae and Iris are now back at the tent, sorting out their own gear. Iris fills his pack with things. He stops, looking up at me.

**"Are you leaving?"** Iris says.

**"I am. I don't know how this will turn out."** I let out a laugh. **"None of us do. There's some fun in it, isn't there?"**

**"There sure is."** Mae says grinning.

**"Wh-"** I stop myself. I was going to ask Iris where he is going, but if he didn't mention it before, it may be for a good reason. Maybe I will ask him tonight. **"What direction are you both headed in?"** They both point in the same direction, and shoot each other a look.

**"Mae, would you like to get a head start when you are ready?"** Iris asks her.

**"Sure.. You really don't want a buddy?"** She teases.

**"Not this time."** He speaks with caution, smiling.

**"Well, if thats toward mining complexes I better go the opposite way."** I tell them.

**" _Do you know where you are going y/n?_ "** Mae asks with strong concern.

**"I have an idea. Don't worry about me. I don't have this rifle for nothing!"** I chuckle.

 **"I will see you tonight. Stay safe. Don't be stupid. And if you need to be stupid, at least do it in a smart way."** _When I was a teenager, those were words I lived by._

**"That'll be hard, but I'll do it for you.** " Mae replies.

**"We'll see each other soon. I hope you both have good luck."** Iris tells us.

I turn around, walking away from them, and the shuttle. My vision is overwhelmed by the sea of trees. It is quiet except for the sound of the dirt and twigs under my boots. After a few minutes of careless walking, I nearly go right into a jungle slinger-

**"Kriff!"** I quietly exclaim. I read about these things. They look like the lianas vine. I carefully circle around it, and continue on my way.

I am walking without a lot of direction, trying to reach the woodlands border. That is where I may find an Araquia. At least, thats what I think. My heartbeat is slow and steady. I am at peace. I walk rather quietly, barely making a sound. I mostly stare at the ground as I walk. But then I feel something's presence, and my head shoots up. I look ahead, and to my near right, sits Kylo Ren. He sits with his legs crossed, his eyes closed, and his face completely relaxed. I freeze. I swear I have never held such stillness before. I hold my breath, navigating the best route away from him. I turn around and lift my foot to take a step, but then-

**"Stop."**

I scrunch my face, flaring my nose. I close my eyes for a moment, and harshly draw my eyebrows down. _Shit. Shit. **Shit**._ I turn around.

**"I did not mean to disturb you... I hope you know that."** I tell him while looking at his closed eyes. I hope my nerves didn't come through. I hear him exhale. I bite down, my jaw tenses. I force myself to keep it together. _What do I have to be afraid of? Would he really hurt me? Maybe._ _I bet if he did Mae would reaaaaally let him have it. And then he would probably obliterate her. So, maybe I should really avoid upsetting him._

**"It is fine.** " He slowly opens his eyes. **"Sit with me."** He lifts his chin to me.

I walk to him, resting my pack against a tree. I sit beside him, staring forward. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my kriffing life.

**"You need to relax. Close your eyes, think of the arachnoid you are looking for."** He says. I turn to him, taken aback by his words. How does he know that? I turn my head back, then close my eyes. I take a deep breath, imaging the creature. An image appears in my mind. I see it waiting along the border of the forest. Somehow, I can sense it knows when it is needed, and when it is not. And that somedays, they are wrong, but that is very rare. Then I see mountains behind it, facing the line of trees that it stands guard before. That is enough to make me think I know the direction I need to head in. Before I can utter the words, I am taken out of my thoughts-

**"I know where you will find it. _Let me take you there_ _."_ **Kylo speaks, his eyes shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SW VOCAB
> 
> -Civvies: civilian clothing  
> -sithspit: equivalent to shit  
> -Lum: beer  
> -Comlink: Similar to a phone, an auditory communication device  
> -Thermajug: a thermos  
> -Blaster: Laser gun  
> -Blaster rifle: Heavy due laser rifle. Usually a soldier's weapon of choice. (https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Blaster_rifle/Legends)  
> -Stylus: pen  
> -Shiarha Root: A root that cures the Direllian Plague.
> 
> I am sure you know, but I want to make it clear that I know Luke skywalker did not destroy the last sith(I am referring to Darth Sidious aka Palpatine). Darth Vader(his father, Anakin Skywalker) technically did...I think it is complete nonsense that they brought back palpatine in TROS.


	6. The Arachnoid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo leads y/n to the arachnoid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW DEATH  
> (mentioned in dialogue//not referring to a death that has or will occur)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story.  
> I do not feel good about this chapter, it does not flow well-In a few days I will edit it!  
> ..dont say I didnt warn you
> 
> take care everyone

I am walking through the woods, trailing behind Kylo. _I find it funny that he is wearing his usual outfit.. Why the cape? I do not understand it. Well, I do not understand him. He looks devoid of happiness, of laughter- of light. It is easy to see him as nothing but a murderer, or a violent crusader. But I can't. I often see myself in people. It feels almost selfish. There is something in him that I see within myself. Is it loneliness? No. I do not think it is that simple. Depending on how you look at it, maybe we seek the same thing. Not power- but, control over balance and order. In my case, it is to control the fate and stability of natural environments. It is to preserve what I love. And for him.._ I furrow my brows. _I guess I believe he wants to maintain order and balance in the galaxy. And that is all I really know about it._

I decide to take a risk. I quicken my steps, trying to walk beside him. He glances over at me through the corner of his eyes, pretending to not notice.

**"Why did you come on this trip?"** I try my best to keep up with his wide stride. I look at him with worry. _Is he going to ignore me?_

He takes a deep breath and then swallows. He stops walking. I am taken by surprise, and I quickly stop, my boots sliding in the dirt.

**"What are the three of you up to?"** He looks at me, tilting his head slightly.

**"You would rather _die_ than do this. _Wouldn't you_?"** He says. My expression quickly darkens. The corners of my lips sink down. I feel my eyes begin to burn.

 **" _I know_."** His words are breathy. I take a step back. My eyes dart around his face. I try to read his emotions, and I shake my head. 

**" _Don't act like you know me at all._ "**

He moves towards me until we are only a few inches apart. I stare up at him in fear. I am petrified. He raises his gloved hand to my face. He grazes the back of his hand on the apple of my cheek. Then his fingers trace up my jaw, my gaze burning through him. My lip quivers, but I don't react beyond that. He brings his hand below my ear, and then his hand is on my neck. At first, he doesn't apply any pressure. But then his hand begins to squeeze- he presses his thumb into my esophagus. I take choked breaths but I don't move. He deepens his gaze, and squeezes harder. I look into his eyes. My eyes water uncontrollably- a single tear falls. I feel lightheaded. I am visibly afraid. He loosens his grip, pushing me back by the neck. I stumble, and bend over coughing. I reach down to the ground, and sit. I put my face in my hands, but I do not cry. I sit in exhaustion, _afraid to move_.

**" _You don't know what I know._** " He speaks coldly. I look at him with confusion. I bring a hand to my neck, caressing it in pain. I stand, obviously shaken up. _He could have kriffing killed me. He didn't.. But he did hurt me. That is obviously not a normal reaction. I was told he has a temper- I had not realized how much of a child he is. He looks like a small boy in big boots._

**"You are right. I don't."** I say quietly. **"Please don't ever touch me again."** I tell him, expressionless. _I don't know why I bother to say it. If I was not in this project, I'm sure he would throw me for that._ He looks to be searching my eyes.

**"When you dream, do you _see_ _me?_** " His words are hushed. He moves his brows as he speaks, narrowing them.

**"Wh-what?"** My heart leaps.

**"Ah. _You do._ " **

**"No.. Why you would say that? You know this isn't appropriate."** I look away for a brief moment.

**" _We want similar things._ "** I squint at him, my blood boiling that he would dare to suggest it. Somehow, I know that he knows I had the same thought earlier. And now I realize how naive that was.

**"You don't need to resist."** He shakes his head as he finishes. I fill to the brim with anger.

**"Don't you dare.."** My tone is harsh, _risky_. **"You destroy civilizations, _planets_. I protect them. We don't want similar things. We want the opposite."**

**"Only from your point of view** **."** He says. I chuckle at him.

**" _Why are you here?_** **I don't get this. Let me do my job.. And _leave me alone._ "**

**"I can't do that."**

**"I would ask why, but you never seem to answer my questions."**

**"The force has lead me here. _You feel it_... And Iris. _And_ Mae." **

My eyebrows are raised. _Kriff. I really should've went in the same direction as Iris and Mae._ _I have no reason to trust him, but I know it is better to listen to what he has to say. Though I shouldn't even be engaging in a conversation with him._

 _He is right, and he knows it- I saw him in my dreams, but it was only once. I don't know why he would know that, but I can't act too surprised. He claims the force lead him here- meaning the planet? Or the three of us?_ _Isn't he connected to the dark side of the force? So. Shouldn't I assume this is a bad thing? Not that I really understand any of this. Honestly, I feel stupid referring to this thing..."the force."  
_

**"What I _feel_ is fear for the fate of every planet I am going to visit. I-"** I take a deep breath.

 **"I will stop talking. Thanks for not choking me again."** I say sarcastically. I let out a short pathetic laugh. **"Please just help me find this thing. I'm exhausted."** Kylo doesn't say a word. He turns forward, and begins to walk. I let him get a few feet ahead before I follow. Again, I trail behind him, without saying a word.

*** * ***

20 or so minutes passed before the sea of trees thinned out, and we reached the forest's edge. I step out from the trees, bringing a hand up to block the harsh sunlight. I look to my left, and then my right. I don't see anything. Without telling me, Kylo begins to walk along the edge. A few minutes pass until I see it- and suddenly I feel like I am in a fever dream. 

**"Kylo- _Stop._ " **I tell him as he approaches _it-the arachnoid creature_. I hold a small smile, realizing the Araquia are not extinct after all.

I can see the Araquia clearly- I wasn't expecting it to be taller than Kylo.. I'm not sure if he was either. It practically looked just like any ordinary spider, except _very large_. It is quite interesting! Kylo doesn't stop when I speak. When he is only a few feet ahead of it, he halts. The Araquia meets his gaze, and I sense reluctance and defiance- but not fear. I am not sure _how_ I do. It is only what I feel.

I stand behind Kylo, carefully watching him. _Waiting_ for his next move. Kylo raises his hand to the creature, he closes his eyes, _concentrating_. The Araquia become still.

**"Stop."** I plead- unsure of what he is actually doing.

His outstretched arm flinches. He opens his eyes, and the Araquia lifts from the ground. I freeze, words escaping me. His open hand begins to close, as though he is grasping something. I see pain in the Araquia's eyes, its legs squirm above the ground. _I feel it suffering_.

**"NO!"** I scream bloody murder. My body shook with anger. In that moment- it consumed me. His head snaps back to me, and the Araquia appears to relax, no longer being in pain. But it is still lifted from the ground. Kylo heaves, releasing a strange grunt of anger and frustration as he drops _it_. I run over to the creature, getting on my knees. Kylo stands there, only looking at us. On the ground, my eyes scan its body. It lays with its legs sprawled out. But then- it gets back up, as if nothing had occurred. I stand up, too. I lift my arms out to it, my empty palms facing the sky.

 **"I mean you no harm. _Please_ forgive him. He is only here to-"** I pause, feeling gross for the words I am about to speak. **" _protect me_.. I am looking for a guide, someone to help me find the Shiarha Root."** It does not speak, it looks at me and tilts it head to the side. It knows I mean no harm- I am not sure how I know. I feel it- it _communicating_ with me. Then it gives me a nod. It crawls to Kylo, lowering its head to his hand-the one holding his lightsaber.

" **You can't bring your saber. If it will lead, and you join us- it is the only way.** **"** I tell him, speaking for this creature. I feel this is what it is asking of him. For some reason, I think he doesn't mind _my blaster._ Kylo flares his nostrils. 

**"There are two homing beacons in a small pocket inside your pack, give one to me."** I look at him with _confusion_. _I did not put them in there._. I don't even know why I would need one. I hand one to him. He walks over to a bush, and gets down on one knee. He hides his lightsaber and the homing beacon in the bush. He places one hand on the ground and stares down, fuming. I feel the earth beneath me rumble. But after a few seconds it fades away. He stands, then kicks up dirt and twigs at the bush in anger. He looks at the Araquia, giving it an oddly serious and restrained nod. The Araquia turns around, and glances at me. _It will lead us into the forest now._ It enters the forest, but before I follow it, Kylo and I exchange glances. With my eyes, I tell him to have _trust_.

We follow it quietly, my heart racing. _What if this thing leads me into a trap? I am blindly trusting it- going off of feelings and desperation.. But there is no other choice_. Kylo walks in silence, lagging behind us. 

We approach a swampy area, and the Araquia slows its pace. It circles around trees, appearing to search for something... _The root?_ When it finally stops searching, it looks up at me- It does not acknowledge Kylo. A patch of plants surrounds a tree. It digs around them, and then stops, backing away. I give it a look of curiosity, and then with its head, gestures for me to approach these plants. I set my pack and blaster on the ground, and get on my knees. These must be the Shiarha plant. I get my small shovel, and begin to uproot the plant. I hold it in my hands, looking up at the Araquia. 

**"Thank you."** I tell it, desperation in my eyes. **"What can I do to repay you?"** I ask. It only looks at me, I feel nothing from it. I set the root down, and stand. I look up into its eyes, and smile. Slowly, I raise my hand, reaching out to one of its legs, and I rest me hand on it. Immediately- I feel energy course through me. A wordless message forms in my head. I search my feelings for a moment, and then I understand what it wants me to know. _Do not surrender_. It says.

 **"I won't.** " I whisper to it. I release its leg, and take a few steps back. The Araquia gives me one last look, then makes its way to Kylo. His jaw tenses as it stands barely a foot from him. They hold eye contact for a few moments, and then it walks away. I watch it fade into the trees. I sigh, then get back on my knees. I uproot and collect every Shiarha plant I could find. _Kriff. I feel incredibly stupid. I don't have anything to transplant them into._ _Oh!_ I reach into my bag, pulling out the cookie tin Mae had thrown me. I scarf down the single remaining cookie, then empty the tin of crumbs. I fill it with dirt, and plant one Shiarha in it. The rest I will have to carry. I put the shovel in my pack, then stand up and brush the dirt off. I hold the plants in one hand, and the cookie tin in the other. Kylo walks up behind me, catching me off guard.

**"Give it to me."** I turn around, looking at Kylo in terror. Though I know I cannot get around giving them to Hux, something about giving them to _Kylo_ , makes my skin crawl. 

**"If these get to Hux, do you understand the gravity of the implications?"** I soften my eyes. My face reddens, and I feel my eyes beginning to water. _Why would Hux have any interest in the cure for a plague? I see no other answer other than that he wants to use it as a bioweapon. Perhaps Hux actually does have some sense, as he realizes he should probably know the cure for it._

Kylo's lips part. He looks at me, then at the ground. **"This is not the way to achieve what you want to."** I speak softly to him, fearing I have overstepped my bounds. He squints his eyes at me. My hands tremble.

**"You will not speak of this. Give it _all_ to me."** My eyes fall as I hand him the plants, including the one in the cookie tin. He takes them, inspecting them in his hand. He bends down, placing them on the ground. My eyes start to widen. _What is he doing?_ He picks up the blaster rifle from beside my feet. I step back, and squeeze my eyes shut. He looks up at me..

 **OneTwoThreeFourFiveSixSevenEight** blaster shots.

I look down to the pile of roots. They are destroyed... beyond smithereens. Kylo steps on the pile, dragging his boot on it, blending the ash with the dirt.

**"Thank you..."** I whisper, unsure of what to do _now._

**"It's nothing."** He says to the ground. He lifts his head back up. **"Give me the other homing beacon."**

Without questioning, I reach in my pack, and hand it over.

**"Leave me.** **"** He utters. 

**"N-No."** I say quickly.

**" _I will make you."_ **He warns. I look at him in disbelief.

**"I can't find my way back alone."**

**"You will."** He tells me. I scoff, giving him a half smile with my brows raised.

**"And how do you know that?"**

**"Go."** He tells me. Not an ounce of aggression was in his voice. As we held eye contact, I nearly thought I saw a reassuring smile trying to creep on his lips. I turn around, making my best guess for where to go. I begin to walk through the woods, wishing for nothing more than to see the the smiles of Iris and Mae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SW VOCAB  
> Homing beacon: tracking device


	7. The One and Final Night on Kirtania

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n returns to their campsite, and Kylo makes an unexpected gesture...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,  
> Here is another one!! I know things may be too slow for some people, but I hope you feel like you are really in the story. Next chapter.... things between Kylo and y/n may or may not start to change.. I am really excited to put it out.
> 
> This fic is going to start picking up speed..
> 
> Let me know what you think
> 
> Take care everyone!

I rest my mind, walking through the darkening forest with quiet footsteps. Eventually I see a glow ahead. _A fire?_ It must be our site- Iris or Mae probably started a campfire. I smile. _Thank the kriffing maker._ I eventually get close enough to see both Iris and Mae. They look beautiful in the glow of the fire, their skin carrying a tint of warmth. Mae notices me, and smiles. She looks relieved. 

**"Did everything go alright?"** Mae asks. I chew my top lip, wishing to forget it all.

**"I met an Araquia.. That was the only positive aspect of** **today.."** That was a lie- _I thought back to Kylo destroying the Shiarha root._

 **"What I was looking for had been eradicated from these forests."** Mae sighs in response.

**"That is unfortunate, but it may be for the best."** Iris says. I turn to him, feeling so glad to hear his voice. His eyes always hold genuineness and care. 

**"Sit this us,** " Mae motions me over with her head. Three chairs are around the fire. **"Want a sausage? They are purely made of vegetables, its pretty delicious."**

**"Abbbbbbsolutely. What else are you eating?"** She hands me a sausage on a stick to cook over the fire.

**"Instant rice. I think there are other things in the crate but I didn't really look through it."** Mae digs into her rice, she balances the bowl on her lap. It looks like she mixed her sausage in it.

**"Mm okay. I think I'll make some rice."**

We all stuff our faces, sitting in silence. Iris finishes eating first.

**"y/n, do you know where Kylo is? Mae and I haven't seen him. We checked the shuttle, too _._ "**

**"I-"** I paused to think through my answer for a quick moment. **"bumped into him in the forest. He was meditating. I am not sure where he is now. I don't think we should bother thinking about it."** Iris threw me a look of concern, but then relaxed.

**"How was your day? For such a rainy planet, it was very sunny."** Iris asked us. Mae rubbed her forehead.

**"Well, the coordinates were accurate. The mines were abandoned. And I..."** Mae put up her hands, nervously laughing. 

**"I know this is _really_ dangerous, but I snuck through one of the blocked off mines.. I had to actually see what kind of mine it is. It was not remarkable. I don't kriffin' understand why they need me- It was a Trimantium mine."** Mae shrugs. Iris and I give her a look of cluelessness. 

**"Its a strong metal often used in ship exteriors."** She tapped her foot, her eyes moving around the campfire.

 **"I stumbled across another mine... It was barely developed, a totally wreck. They were mining Negron-14. Most would think of it as only fuel, but its also used for explosives.**

**And _thats_ what I am bringing to the table. I feel fabulous about it. And the strange thing is, they _must_ already know about it... It is like this is a test. Hux seeing if I lie to him."** Iris shoots her a look, his eyes narrowing.

**"I have no doubt that it is. I have more questions than I would like.."** Iris thought for a few seconds, bobbing his head, his mind clearly racing. He ran his fingers through his hair. He clears his throat.

 **"No one can repeat our conservations... I know that we all know it, but for my own peace of mind I have to say it."** We all lightly nod in response.

 **"Do you know what the _Direllian Plague_ is?**" My eyes widen. Anxiety rose in my chest.

 **"I found essentially zero literature on it. The cure is the Shiarha root, found in the forests of Kirtania."** Iris cleared his throat again. Looking at me.

 **" _y/n-"_** He spoke with warmth

**"It is all gone. Trust me on that."** I told him. Mae gave me an alarmed look.Iris rests his chin on his hand, his arm propped on his knee. No one asked me about it, and Iris continued speaking

**"I don't know how, but I stumbled across a lab. It was a _fluke_.**" Mae let out a laugh, but Iris ignored her.

 **"It was underground, and I walked over the entrance hatch- that's how I found it. I still can't believe I did, and it is _not_ what I was looking for.** **"** I notice Iris still doesn't mention what he _was_ looking for.

 **"The Direllian plague was studied by an Araquia doctor and pharmacologist. He helped develop the cure for the plague.. I think I found his body in an office.. It had no obvious wounds. Out of curiosity I looked through any documentation I could find in the lab. They preserved samples of the plague. And strangely, the lab had full power- it must be connected to the same electrical grid as the nearby city. All their samples, including the plague, are probably** **preserved."** Iris takes a deep breath. **"I guess I should've kept this to myself......... but I didn't. It has been weighing my mind down."**

**"Iris, can I ask what you are doing on this trip?** **I thought you are working in the lab on board?"** I asked him cautiously.

**"I am.. I-"** Iris laughs. **"I asked if I can come on this trip, its- complicated** **.** **"** He blinked a few times. **"I was looking for the office of a chemist. He did incredible work- But not for good means."** I swallowed. 

**"I don't want to get into this right now. Let's enjoy each others company."**

Though Mae and I exchanged looks, we dropped the topic, and didn't come close to it for the rest of the night. We talked for hours, each going into our own lives. Every so often my mind would wander to Kylo. He feels like a dirty secret. He is the epitome of all that I am against. Yet, too often do I soften my eyes at him, connecting myself to him. I grew up always in my head, fighting with myself and my impulses. I found my purpose, but I often feel as though I am running from my deeper self. When I look at Kylo, I see that too. I can't help but think, _how much does his family and friends grieve for this person that they have lost? Do they think about him at all?_

We eventually all grow sleepy. Iris and Mae settle into their tent, and I cozy up in my sleeping bag on the ground. My exposure to the woods was comforting. The tree canopies gave me a feeling of safety. I dozed off to sleep easily- which is a surprise.

* * *

Kylo Ren meditated in the forest until after sunset. Moonlight barely lit the woods. He came back to find everyone asleep. He did not care to quiet his footsteps, and his boots thumped up the entry ramp to the shuttle. He closed the ramp, and settled into his makeshift bed on the floor.

Deep into the night, I awake to sporadic raindrops hitting my face. Though I am groggy, alarm immediately hits me. _My sleeping bag is going to get soaked, I can't just stay out here!_ I slink out of it. I grab my sleeping bag and pad, and take cover under a tree. I slide down it, sitting on the ground. It begins to rain harder, but the tree provides enough cover for me to fall asleep against it. I close my eyes, and sure enough, I am quickly back asleep.

* * *

Kylo squirmed around on the floor, a deluxe sleeping pad beneath him(and quite comfortable bedding along with it). He wakes up, clearly in a daze, and pulls himself into an upright position. He looks through the window above the dashboards, staring at the rain. He barely hears it. Kylo wonders why he woke up, but doesn't give it much thought. He lays back down, closing his eyes. His muscles relax, but the daze had faded. His mind was now uneasy and _active_.

> _**"Don't act like you know me at all."** _
> 
> _**".Leave me alone"** _
> 
> _**"NO!"** _
> 
> _**"This is not the way to achieve what you want to."** _

Memories of y/n flashed through his mind. His eyes shot open. He took the pillow beneath his head, throwing it across the room. His mind went back to those images- he especially lingered on his feelings when y/n screamed at him, begging her to spare the Araquia. He wanted to _choke her, throw her down_ , but he didn't... _Somehow_.

He did not want to follow or explore these unexplainable connections to y/n. He had meditated on this for clarity. It revealed two possible paths to take. He could shut her out his mind, _avoid the distraction._ _Or_ , he could _use her_ and the _emotions_ to grow his power- his connection to the dark. He had not made up his mind, his judgement too clouded with the conflict within himself. With strange timing, he quickly realized something- y/n was sleeping outside, _only_ in her sleeping bag. He huffed, getting out of bed. He didn't even think it through.

He walked over to the entryway, opening it. He looked out, but he couldn't see y/n. He thought maybe she moved-but it is too dark to tell. He went and got a glowrod, shining it out. She was against a tree, _asleep._ He didn't move, he _just_ stood there. He was about to leave her, thinking that she is pretty covered from the rain. He turned away from her, about to go back to bed, but he stood and thought. He closed his eyes, searching his feelings. _What did he sense?_ The force was luring him to her. _Why can't I see the reason? What do I not know?_ He asked himself. He wondered if _this is_ the dark side of the force. He was reminded of his _grandfather_ \- the love of _his_ life was fuel for his own darkness. He stood and thought about this.

Then, _he turned back around_. He walked down the ramp, glowrod in hand, and went to y/n. He bent down and took her in his arms, making sure to get her sleeping gear, too. He carried her into the shuttle, getting himself quite wet. y/n was lowered onto his bed as he laid out her sleeping bag and pad. He put it as far as he could from his own pad. He zipped the bag completely open, so that he can lay her in it. He picked her back up, and carefully placed her down in her sleeping bag. y/n shuffled, moving to her side, facing away from him. Kylo froze- worried she will wake up. To his relief, _she didn't_. He looked down at her, pushing away the urge to pry into her mind. He knew she resented him. _He also knew_ that he is often in her thoughts.

He squeezed his hand into a fist, giving in to his desires. He crouched down and ran his eyes down her body, the sleeping bag still open. He slowly brings his hand to her head, softly moving it along the side of it, going down to her cheek, and then jaw. y/n moves again, pulling her knees closer to her chest. Kylo pulls his hand away. Very carefully, he zips her sleeping bag closed. He picks up the pillow he threw earlier, and crawls back into bed, quickly falling asleep after taking one last glance at her.

y/n had only slightly come to awareness when Kylo was touching her. But, unaware of her surroundings, she did not fully process it, drifting back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glow rod- flashlight


	8. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories haunt, and Kylo Ren's true path begins to come into fruition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, this probably felt like a long time coming... !!

Warm sunlight brings life into the shuttle. y/n sleeps peacefully, her dreams are simple. She is walking in the woods. It is filled with life. To her surprise, she spots a Taka-tey resting in a tree. Intense joy overcomes her. Kylo Ren is anything but at ease. He moves side to side, his heart racing. His forehead glistens with sweat, black strands of hair messily stick to his face. _He dreams of Crait_. He sees the eyes of Luke Skywalker- a gentle blue, full of sorrow, but strong with defiance.

_**"The Rebellion is reborn today. The war is just beginning. And I will not be the last Jedi."** _

Luke's word are _loud,_ as if he is speaking directly in Kylo's ears. 

_**"See you round, kid."** _

_Luke Skywalker disappears_. Kylo's eyes shoot open, he pants, the words echoing in his head. He sits up, heavily slouching. As if on queue, y/n rolls over to face him, her eyes slowly opening.

**YOUR POV**

Something pulls me from my dreams and I wake up. I open my eyes, rubbing them as my vision clears. My chests tightens as I realizes I am in the shuttle. _I did not fall asleep here_.

**"What am I doing here?"** I ask, my voice heavy with sleepiness. Kylo is staring ahead of him in a makeshift bed on the floor. He looks disturbed. My eyes fall from his face to his bare shoulders. My breathing quickens. I examine his back, his arms.. He sits slumped over, but as I watch him, he stiffens his face and straightens his posture.

**"It started to rain, and- _you came inside_.** **"** He _lied_ , still facing ahead. I have no memory of this, uneasy confusion washes over me.

**"I... came inside? _By myself?"_**

**"Yes."** He spoke coldly.

**"I don't remember that at all. huh. _Strange_."** He doesn't say a word.

I can sense something is off. I sit up, trying to fix my messy hair with my fingers. I slip out of my sleeping bag, then pick up my things. I look at Kylo for a few moments, he sits in complete stillness, _staring._ I open the entryway, slowly walking down the ramp. Kylo watches me, and closes the shuttle behind me.

Iris and Mae are still asleep. I sigh in relief, fortunate I don't have to explain... _that._ I tip toe to my bags, and quickly change my clothes. Then I start a fire and search through the food crate for breakfast. I realize I am not hungry, and check my watch. **08:10.** It is later than I expected.. I always saw Kylo as being the type to wake up at **05:00**. But maybe not. I wonder how we will spend the day. I do not think there is much for us to do. I mean, sure, we probably could figure out _something_ , but we are all pretty convinced this is a test anyway... I hear rustling in the test, and Iris pops his head out. He smiles. I open my mouth to speak, but he quickly holds a finger over his lips and gestures to the tent, indicating (I think) that Mae is still sleeping. He steps out of the tent, and takes a seat by the fire.

**"Good morning."** I say softly through a smile. 

**"Good morning, y/n. How did you sleep?"** Iris asks.

**"I think I slept well. I don't feel too bad. How about you?"**

**"Almost like a rock, _somehow_. Are you hungry?"** Before I can answer, we both turn our heads to the tent. Mae stumbles out and over to us.

**"Gooood morning."** Mae says, yawning. We both say it back.

**"And- _no._ I am not hungry... I actually think I am going to take a short walk to clear my head. I need to soak up this fresh air before we are stuck on that dreadful ship again."** Mae and Iris nod in response, they understand. Their lack of questioning surprises me, but I don't call them out.

**"Try your best to not get lost?"** Mae asks. I laugh.

**"Always."** I look at them both. Iris smiles when our eyes meet. I reach my arms up, stretching, and walk into the woods, directly behind the shuttle. Kylo saw me through the shuttle windows, but I didn't notice.

I walk with my eyes wide and my heart full, trying to take in every tree around me. I breath easy, often smiling at the joy of this peaceful forest. 20 minutes or so into my walk, I see light reflecting far ahead- _some sort of lake?_ My eyebrows rise. _I could really use a swim._ I finally approach the edge of the forest- a large lake before me. _I am pretty sure this is safe and aqueous_. The surrounding forest is in beautiful condition. My concern is its acidity, I also have no idea what kind of life might be lurking down there. It is fairly shallow and clear for 20 feet or so, then it becomes a blue abyss. I stare out at the waves, the wind whips my hair around, but a warm feeling overcomes me. _I do not think there is anything I need to worry about. There is nothing in this lake that will hurt me._ I bring down my brows in confusion, but something tells me to trust these feelings. I strip off my pants, standing in my boyshort underwear. I unbutton my shirt, letting it fall to the ground. I am not wearing a bra, but my breasts do not feel exposed. Then I step out of my boots, and peel off my socks. I feel comfortable, unafraid. My body hasn't felt sunlight in a long time. It is rejuvenating.

I walk to the shore, dipping my foot in. It is lukewarm, a nice surprise. I slowly walk into the lake, I spot tiny creatures scurrying about. A strange purple shelled creature ducks into its shell as my feet barely avoid it. The water very gradually gets deeper and deeper. When it is up to my neck, I float on my back, looking up to the sky. I think of all the places I may go for this project.. However much it challenges my morals, I am going to try to bring some good to these places we visit. The opportunity to travel is a privilege I can't take for granted. At least I can have something that is _purely good_ from all this. I spin, turning onto my stomach, and begin to swim out. I am not a talented swimmer, but I definitely won't drown. Once I am far out enough that my clothes on the ground are a blur, I float on my back again. I notice a few water creatures fly out of the water. it doesn't startle me, but makes me extremely curious.

I am not sure how long I've been out here, but it has been long enough for my legs and arms to be very tired. I make my way back to shore, _slowly._ I nearly faint when I notice a black figure at the shore. I stop swimming to see what it is. _Kylo Ren._ Kind of kriffing creepy. _Did he follow me?_ I am also practically naked! I won't walk out on the shore for him to see my whole being. _But_ there is a part of me that has the urge to titillate him- A dark impulse that I cannot and will not express. I cannot shake this feeling of being drawn to him, and I can also not shake the thought that it is a delusion, or, that he is manipulating me to feel this way.

Once I am close enough to the shore where I can yell to him, but he can also not see my body, I stop. He is looking at me, and I boil with anger. I watch in concern as he glances down to my pile of clothes and then back at me. I decide to get close enough where I can speak to him, only raising my voice slightly. When I am there, I cross my arms to cover my breasts.

**" _Forget something?_ " **He asks. My skin crawls. His tone almost menacing.

**" _Following me?"_** I throw back at him. He shoots me a look, but it is hard to read. It is like his eyes are reaching out to me, yet he is building a wall between us at the same time. He does not say a word, and I scoff.

**"Can you turn around while I come to shore and dress myself?"** I ask him. He doesn't move. He stands there, watching me, wearing a face as cold and dull as stone.

 **" _Are you suddenly deaf?_ " **I speak daringly.

**" _Do you have something to hide?_ " **He rebuttals. My heart begins to race. I do not even know what he means by that. I scoff and shake my head. _Does he want to see me? Is it to humiliate me or indulge himself?_ I decide to make my way to the shore, completely ignoring him. He stands only a few feet from my clothing, which is right by the shore. _I sure am glad I put them close..._

Now the water is at my knees, and the wind picks up. Goosebumps cover my body. I feel my nipples become erect, and I blush. I do my best to not look at Kylo, but I know he is looking at me. I want to punch him in his face. _How close do you think my fist could get to his face before he throws me?_ When my body is finally out of the water, I slip up, and look at Kylo. When our eyes meet, he searches mine. A feeling washes over me that I cannot place, but my chest feels _hot._ I walk behind my clothes, and turn my back to him. I pick up clothes, still concealing my breasts, and first slip on my shirt. I button it up, taking a long look at the lake. The waves are calm, _soothing._ For a moment, I forget I have a peeping tom behind me. I slip on my pants, cringing at the discomfort of my wet underwear. I flip my head upside down, and shake my hair out a bit trying to get rid of some water and give it some more _bounce_. I slip into my socks and boots, lacing them up tightly. My heart begins to thud as I realize what I am going to do. 

I walk over to him, ready to scold him. I know I can't, but he has to know boundaries. He at least has to know that I won't submit to this behavior. I walk right up to him, getting _very_ close, my face only inches from his. He breathes heavily as he stares back. He parts his lips, and then swallows.

**" _I want you to leave me alone._** **You cannot sneak up on me. You-you cannot watch me get dressed."** I have the urge to ask him what is wrong with him, but I bite my tongue. I look at his chests rising and fall, his breathes clearly deepening. I look at him with disappointment, and take a step back, walking towards the forest. He roughly grabs my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. I shake it off, and to my surprise, he lets go. But then he grabs my hand, and yanks me to him, holding my hand up to further restrain me.

**"What are you doing?**

**_Kylo?_ Why are you treating me like this? _"_** I raise my voice, but the volume gradually drops to something more gentle, almost _vulnerable_.

I hold his gaze, a coldness spreading over me. An image appears in mind, and I fade from the present moment.

> _**Kylo retrieves his saber from the bush, the Araquia nowhere to be found. But he turns from the bush, saber in hand, to meet the gaze of the Arachnoid. They stare at each other. It communicates something to Kylo, causing him to deepen his gaze. He angles his saber up to it, his hands still down and at his side. The saber ignites. Red light brings fire to his eyes, his body glowing. He extinguishes the blade, the arachnoid collapsing at his feet. He crouches down, watching it die. Sudden distraught flashes in his eyes. He pouts his bottom lip, the smallest frown materializing. He stands up and walks into the forest.** _

The image dissipates. I come to, shock evident in my face. He releases my hand, and I let it drop to my side. I furrow my brows for only a second, and step back. Shaken by that vision, _confused_ , yet clear on what it is. Betrayal hangs over my heavy heart. For just a moment, Kylo's face looks surprised.

**"Please- please tell me you didn't kill it. _Why would you do that?_ "** My face crumbles with sadness. I feel so ashamed to be surprised, to question him like a clueless youngling. But it is these things that turn me into a youngling. He looks at me and smirks, satisfied that I have realized our connection, that I have seen what _he did._

**"I did not intend for you to see _that._ _Curious_ that you did."** He thinks for a moment, then continues.

**"What?"** My words are breathy.

**_"You_ _know."_** He whispers. I exhale, letting out a laugh.

**"No. _I don't_. I feel like I am going crazy."** His eyes narrow. 

**"I know you feel it. The force is connecting us.**

**_I need you._ " **I take another step back from him, scanning his face. My breath quickens, my legs weaken. I can hardly stand.

**_"You need_ me? **

**_No._ You don't _._ Find someone else to convince of this nonsense. This isn't special, all things are connected. This- this is sexual tension. Delusion!"**

**"Clearly you are blinded."** Kylo raises his chin, his eyes darkening.

 **"You and I..."** He swallows, searching my eyes. **" _The three of you_ , have a connection to the force. But _especially you_. I have never seen or heard of anything like it. The force has guided us to each other."**

**"Honestly. I think this is a fluke."**

**"Then _what did you just see?"_ **His tone is harrowing. I stare at the ground. My heart sinks and my throat tightens.

**" _So you did kill it?_**

**Kylo _... Why?"_** My voice cracks.

**"No one can know we are here. It had to die."** He slowly raises his left hand to the side of my face, holding it. I look at him with an expression that is close to fear, heavy distraught filling my eyes. I bring my hand up to his wrist, trying to pull it away, but his resistance is _strong_. _I don't get this._ And I do not get why some part of me doesn't want him to stop. Maybe I just want to be touched. But it shouldn't be _him._

_**"No one ever has to die."**_ I try to stop myself from frowning, but I can't. My eyes grow red and wet. I turn away from his hand, losing his touch.

" **I can't even look at you** **."** I say exacerbated.

**"I know who you are- I am sorry for doubting you are anything but it."**

He grabs my chin, turning me back to him. I roughly push his hand off me, and he grabs my wrist.

**"Stop kriffing touching me!"** I resist- _but then I stop_. My bottom lip quivers, and I allow my eyes to soften. Overwhelmed by the sudden loneliness I am being confronted with, I slowly start to give in. _And he sees it._ His face relaxes, too.

He takes a step toward me, still gripping my wrist. Our faces are close, and he tightens his grasp as defiance creeps back into my eyes. We stare at each other, saying nothing. I feel my heart violently thumping. Our breathing is heavy. Abruptly, he yanks my wrist, closing the small gap between us. I fall into his lips, and he attacks mine. He brings his free hand to my head, gripping my hair. Our lips move with each other, barely allowing us to breath. He pushes my head into him, deepening our kiss. I raise my free hand, trailing up his thigh to his chest. 

I push on his chest, shoving him back. He releases my head, and then my wrist. I blink, giving him a look of concern.

**"N-no.."** I say through heavy breaths.

**" _No?_ "**

**"I can't- I-I shouldn't"**

**" _Give in._ "** He whispers.

**" _I can't._ "**

But then my mind go blank. I run my fingers through his hair, moving them away from his face, and I pull him into a kiss. Except this time it is slow. It is somehow both more intimate and intense. My head is spinning, anxiety coursing through me. I know this is a mistake, but I am seeing stars, my heart feels _full._ He sucks my bottom lip, then kisses up my jaw to below my ear. One hand is at my waist, the other is in my hair. He kisses my neck slowly, becoming more conscious of himself. I let out a soft moan, and he tightens his grip on my hair, pulling my head slightly back. Then he starts to become rough, he sucks on the skin and I moan again. Suddenly I realize what is happening- I squirm to stop him from leaving hickeys, but I can't move. My body feels frozen, and my heart stops. He pauses, then plants a slow wet kiss on my lips. He looks in my eyes as he release my lips, still holding my head back. He releases my hair, then caresses my cheek. I feel mobility return to my body, and I examine him, bringing my hand to my cheek, and I hold his hand. I lower it to his side, and furrow my brows, dropping my eyes to his chest.

**" _I am sorry, Kylo."_** I softly speak. Our eyes meet again, and he says nothing. I walk back into the woods, and he doesn't move. 

* * *

Somehow, I made it back to camp. I find Iris and Mae are sitting around the fire, eating. I greet them.

" **Long time no see."** Mae says. I laugh, walking to the food crates.

I find some protein bars, and grab two to call my lunch. The three of us sit around the fire, eating our lunches and laughing about who knows what. A while later, Kylo emerges from the woods. He looks ghastly, and I shudder. My mind flashes back to his lips on mine, to him sucking on my neck... Before my mind can run any further, I am pulled from my thoughts-

**"I am leaving in 30 minutes- if you are _ready_ or _not_."** Kylo walks up the shuttle ramp, closing it behind him.

**"Man, what is his _deal?_ " **Mae asks, raising her eyebrows.

**"Do we _really_ want to know?"** Iris counters.

**"I do... Don't you want to know what goes on in that pretty face?"** Mae jokes. My eyebrows raise in surprise.

**"Oh, sure, I am curious from time to time. But what I _really_ wonder about are his _parents_."** Iris's tone darkens.

**" _His parents?_ "** I finally enter the conversation, feeling uneasy. He loudly sighs.

**"Are you sure you want to hear this now?"** Iris asks kindly.

**" _Yes_ , I think I do."**

**"oh you _do_** **y/n?** " Mae teases, but Iris and I don't pay it much attention. Iris glances at the shuttle, clearly paranoid that Kylo would hear us.

**"Well. His father was the resistance pilot Han Solo. His mother is the resistance leader, Leia Organa."** My eyes bulge. I heard these names very long ago. They were characters in stories I was told as a child.

**" _Was?"_** I point out. He sighs again.

**"He murdered his father...**

**I shouldn't have brought this up. We can't talk about this now."** Iris looks afraid.

" **What? _But who told you these things?_ "**

**"Y/n, you can't be surprised. _"_ **Mae says, being a bit harsh.

**_"_ I have friends in the resistance that know his mother." **Mae and I exchange looks.

 **"Let's- We can talk about this when the sith isn't a few feet away. _Just not now._ "** He swallows. _I agree._

**"Yes, I agree.**

**And Mae- you're _right._ It shouldn't surprise me."** I take a deep breath.

 **"** **I should get my things together... We all should."** I give them a weak smile and go to gather the few things I have. Iris and Mae begin to do the same, as well as organize the crates and supplies.

* * *

20 minutes later, the shuttle is all packed up. Our campsite looks as though no one was even here. We mosey into our seats, Kylo ignoring us. He sits in the pilot's seat, something clearly under his skin. The three of us try to keep the mood light in the shuffle. Once we are all settled in our a seats, Kylo closes the ramp. He doesn't say a word. He takes off in silence, too. It unsettles me, and we give each other discrete looks of concern. Once we left the atmosphere, we relaxed. The three of us chatted for the remainder of the trip, mostly about stupid things. Throughout the flight I fought my thoughts, pushing away every image of Kylo, and every feeling of his touch, out of my mind. Every so often I would glance over at him, secretly wishing he would turn around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am excited to explore the force and potentially the whills. I am really not sure, I need to dig around SW lore about force connections. I know there is stuff in Legends about it.


	9. Desperate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio returns, and things are getting stirred up.
> 
> **NSFW**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 10 WILL BE PUBLISHED 7/9!
> 
> **NSFW**  
> **SMUT WARNING**
> 
> This story diverges greatly from canon after The Last Jedi. However, I will be pulling various things from canon. One example is the resistance fleeing to Batuu after the battle of Crait(which I mention in regards to Rey).
> 
> Also, I do not know why but I use the word desperate SO MUCH in this chapter. It is bothering me, but I won't change it for now.

**YOUR P.O.V.**

We land in the docking bay. Before the three of us remove our seatbelts, Kylo is lowering the entry ramp and is out the door.

**"Guess he's in a hurry."** Mae remarks.

The three of us get out of our seats and gather our bags. A ghostly Hux appears at the bottom of the ramp, he wears a grimacing smile.

**"I wanted to be the first to greet you. I have no time to meet. Officer Kerdum will run todays briefing."** Our hearts race. We each smile, staying silent. _Officer Kerdum?_ Never heard of them. Oh well.

**"You three, follow."** Hux gestures his hand to the officer, and walks off, his hands clasped behind his back. _How can someone be so uptight?_

**"You may drop your belongings, they will be taken care of. Let's follow me."** The officer's voice is husky, like _sandpaper._

We all drop our bags reluctantly and walk to the officer. He leads us to a dark conference room that is visually unremarkable, just like most of this ship. The moment we were all seated he began speaking:

**"We are satisfied with your ability to collaborate with one another and take initiative. You have proven your allegiance to The First Order..."**

The meeting is bleak, I barely maintained any focus after that... _interesting beginning statement_. The whole time I am twiddling my thumbs, my mind often racing elsewhere. It would leap from Kylo's hand on my face, to that beautiful lake. My mind ran in circles, reaching out to the things I want, _especially_ that I would rather be doing. I can't say I paid full attention to Officer Kerdum, but once he spoke my name I have never been so laser focused in my life. I was suddenly struck with nerves. He informed me that my trips will be solo, I will be assigned various pilots who will not accompany me on my trips. Complete shock overcame me. _I am being isolated_. What about Mae? Iris? I glance over at Iris, his face is sullen. I watch his chest slowly rise and fall as he takes heavy breaths. I should not have tuned out, I have barely any idea about what is _going on._

Kerdum concludes the meeting, instructing us to frequently check our datapads for messages. We all obediently nod. Iris gets up to leave first. He gives me a small nod, and I give him a face of confusion and worry, and tilt my head. _I am not sure what to do... about any of this..._ Mae leaves after him, but I don't move. I look out the window, sighing at the stars. _What a beautiful view..._ I stand up and stretch, then finally leave.

I walk down the hallway, the lights have never felt so bright. I take deep breathes, light headedness makes me slow my pace. I pass an open closet, and suddenly, I am pulled in. The door closes, a hand clamped over my mouth. I rip the hand off, meeting the eyes of Mae, barely lit by the dim overhead light.

**"Shh."** She presses a finger over her lips.

**"What are you doing?"**

**"I need to get out of this hell hole."**

**"I do too, but- we can't... You really think that you can stage some escape and not be hunted down? Get a bounty on your head?"  
  
**

**"They are sticking Iris in a lab."** My stomach flips.

**"That little trip of ours _was_ a test. They just wanted to see what we would do, if we would sabotage the trip, go against them..."**

**"If you leave, someone will replace you. What do you think about** **that?"** She looks away, and I turn my head to try to follow her eyes. I put my hand on her shoulder.

**"One day, I hope, there will be a window of opportunity to get away. But this has only just begun. What if we can do _good_ here?"**

**"Would you make a deal with the devil if you thought it was for something _good_?"**

**"We have no choice! Come back to reality!"**

**"Then- _fine._ We will destroy them from the inside. _Make them implode_."** I can't help but laugh.

**"And how do you think we'll do that?"**

**"I haven't thought that far ahead."** Desperately, she laughs.

**"Well- tell me when you** **do?** "

**"Yeah yeah..."**

**"Oh- Come over to my place tomorrow? Do you know if you'll be around? Iris is coming too. I have wine!"**

**" _Wine_? Where do you get these things?!"**

**"I'd love to- message me later where you live? I should get going, I need to nap. I feel so unbelievably drained. _You have no idea._ "**

**"Yeah, me too. I get it, you go get some rest. Why don't you leave first? I'll wait a bit so its not suspicious."**

**"Haha that is a good plan."** I turn to open the door, but I stop myself.

 **"You- Why don't you use the force?"** Mae sighs. I clench my jaw.

**"Truthfully, I don't know how. And I do not want to. It's not a world I want to open myself up to."** I give her an empathetic smile.

**"I understand. I'm sorry- I shouldn't have even asked... I'll message you later, and see you tomorrow, okay? I hope you have a good night."**

**"You too, y/n."**

I inconspicuously leave the closet, looking around to see if anyone spotted me. Thankfully, not a person in sight! I casually stride down the hallway, somehow making it back to my quarters. The doors open as I approach them, taking me by surprise. I step in and notice my bags by the entryway. I am sure they were checked- but that's okay. I reach over to the light switch, flicking them on, and my attention flies to the couch. A black clothed figure is sitting, facing me. I first caught it in the corner of my eye, then turned to the face of Kylo Ren.

**"KRIFF!"** I yell.

**"I was beginning to think you would never return."**

**"I literally cannot believe you are here."** I laugh through my words, bring my hand to my face.

 **"What are you doing here? What is it about me that is making you creep around me? I don't... get it."** My last words trail off.

_**"You don't understand?** " _He stands up.

**"Oh-Have I not made that clear?"** I raise my brows, egging him on with my sarcasm. He walks to me, and I walk backwards until my back hits the entrance. I press myself against it. Fear overwhelms me. I see darkness in his eyes. The man I saw just hours ago seems like a memory. _I am afraid_.

**"You are afraid."** He stands close to me, dropping his cape to the floor.

**"Stop..."** I turn my head to the side. The room is spinning, my stomach churns. I breathe heavily as I try to persuade myself to push him away. But I want his touch. I don't want to want it. _But I do_. Why am I crawling back to a man that I do not understand? That is so violent? So against everything that I am for? What is it that I am not realizing?

**"You are less different from me than you care to admit."** His nose is now brushing against my check. I feel my body burning with heat and desire.

 **"I feel it, too."** He whispers into my cheek.

Struck with shock, I don't react to his body hovering in front of mine. I am still facing away from him. _Why?_ His lips are close to my cheek, and for a moment, I close my eyes and focus on this feeling- The feeling of desperate desire. My breathing becomes dramatic, I am heaving. I turn to him, our eyes like two fires meeting. He grabs my head, shoving me into his mouth. I have never kissed someone so desperately before. We roughly move our lips, as if fighting with each other. I bring my hands to his hair, allowing myself to fall deeper into our kiss. His free hand sneaks behind me and onto my back. His hands trail down my spine, resting at the small of my back. Then he pulls me to him. I feel how hard he is against me, causing a thoughtless moan to be smothered from my lips. My hands firmly grip his hips, but I restrain myself from pulling him closer. I escape his grip and pull from his kiss, leaving his lips wet and parted.

**"Not- _not here_."** I step to the side to free myself completely, and walk to my bedroom. My heart pounds. Am I really trying to seduce him? _Give me a break._ This _galactic villain_? I walk into my bedroom, Kylo closely behind me. I am shocked that he would follow, that he would even listen to me. As soon as we are both in the room he closes the door quietly. He turns to me, the darkness returning to his eyes. But he is not gone, I see a faint of light in his iris. I can't help but wish for him to jump my bones and make me forget about where I am, and who I am being forced to be.

**"Undress. I want to see _you._ _Everything._ "** I huff out a laugh, holding his gaze.

**"You are just... _so charming."_** His eye twitches. I watch his chest raise, I can see ferocity growing- _like a beast_.

My smirk slowly sinks as he approaches me. He grabs my hips and pushes me onto the bed. I almost expected this, and grab him, pulling him down with me. I am laughing, but his face is stiff and he is searching my eyes, his face hovering barely a few inches above mine. He grabs my hair and holds my head down. I maintain eye contact, shoving fear down my throat. My body starts to ache for him. I squeeze my toes, trying to distract my body. I sense he can feel this. His expression changes to something deviant, yet something in his eyes gives me comfort- or rather, security. Our eyes now share the same lustfulness, and I grab his head. I kiss him, my body rocking into his. I want to snap out of this... Yet I can't help but indulge the rebellious teenager that is creeping out of me. He moves his hands down to my sweater, pulling it over my head, not even struggling to pull it out from under my back. He breaks the kiss to pull it over my head. Swirls of butterflies fill my stomach, my center throbs. My chest violently raises and falls. _His does too._ He appears to be panting. His eyes trail down to my exposed breasts, examining them. He draws in his lower lip, wetting it. My eyes soften. _Maybe I do want him to take over me_. He brings his lips to my neck, then my collar bone, and then my breasts.

He hooks his fingers under the waist band of my pants, pulling them down and onto the floor. My heart quickens, but I don't want to stop him. Though I have no specific idea of his _intent._ He leaves my underwear on- a gesture I wouldn't have guessed. He realigns his body with mine, a leg on either side of my left leg. He breathes against my ear as he snakes his hand down, under my underwear. He moves his face to hover above mine as I squirm against his touch.

**"You need to relax."** In a hushed voice, he demands. I let my muscles loosen.

His fingers find my clit, needing no guidance from me. I almost smile at this, wishing to laugh at the fact he out of all people would be able to. I close my eyes, and tighten my face. He first moves his fingers in slow circles over my clit. My breathing slow down as my body grows heavy. Noticing this, Kylo suddenly quickens his movements. Almost angrily, he moves fast and hard over my clit. He holds my head up, gripping my hair. I try to stay silent, but choked moans spill out. He kisses my jaw, continuing this pace. My body tingles, my head spins, and my orgasm nears.

 **" _Oh Kylo..."_** I softly cry out.

Quickly, he pulls his hand away. I am rudely awakened from my daze, but I am too overwhelmed too react. My body is relaxed, as is my mind. My cheeks and chest are flushed. He brings his fingers down to my entrance, feeling how wet I am. He smirks, and my heart flutters but I try to swallow my feelings. I am still dazed. His hands are away from my body, and I am almost completely exposed... _Vulnerable._

**"Look at you. So _desperate_."** He drags his wet fingers up my stomach, then wipes his fingers dry.

 **"You see... _You can't hide from me._ "** I swallow.

**"How can you say I am desperate when _you_ snuck into my quarters?"** He smirks, running his eyes over my body. I close my legs and raise my knees, trying to push him to the side. But he resists, pushing his hips down and forcing my legs down and open. He grips my inner thigh, causing my body to tense up. I look away, realizing this was a mistake. _How can I expect to be treated any better? Why did he only touch me- not try to fuck me?_ His body relaxes. A hand slips under my back, and he tries to pull me up. As he does, I push myself up with hands, and slide back. I close my legs, pulling covers over me and cross my legs. Kylo sits in front of me. I thought he was going to pull the covers away, but instead, he places a hand on my knee over it, his finger drawing circles.

**" _Let me in._ "**

**" _Let... you in_?"**

**" _No_. I don't think I can do that... I- _I am sorry, Kylo_."**

**"You will. We are connected. No matter what you do, we will find each other."**

**" _Then I will run from you my entire life_."**

**"You love being defiant... Working so hard to build a facade. But I see _you_. So lonely, _desperate_ for a purpose."**

**"In those ways, we are the same."**

**"I am _desperate_ for nothi-"**

**"You seem to be desperate for me."** I cut him off. He lurches forward, one hand on face, forcing me to look at him. I don't avert my eyes. We stare at each other. His lips are now daringly close to mine.

**"You know nothing..."** He lays a soft kiss on my lips, then releases my face and pushes away to stand. He turns around, quietly leaving. And just like that- he is gone. As quickly as it began, it ended.

_That was kriffing weird. What do I make of that? And- what is there to know? Why does he keep me on a string like this? I am done with the games. I could make a fool of him. But I know I would never do that. When I look in his eyes, in its reflection I see myself. He haunts my thoughts. I will find a way to put this to rest._ I slump under the covers, tears slowly dripping down my face. I close my eyes, desperate for sleep.

> _**He murdered his father** _

Iris haunts my ears. _What have I done?_

* * *

Kylo meditates in darkness. 

**"I have been waiting for you."** He speaks out into the dark. A vision of Rey, the once scavenger and now _jedi_ , brightens his mind.

**"I haven't. Why are you here, _now?_ "**

**"I was looking for you. How is your tiny resistance getting by?"**

**"You will see."**

**"Oh, will I?"**

Rey searches into Kylo's mind, their conversation masking it. Since she is already present in it, he detects nothing. Perhaps his meditative state has taken away his awareness from his own self. She flashes through images of Kylo meditating, feeling his confusion and conflict about his path. Then y/n appears, and her breath catches in her throat. Her heart beats quickly, she feels a connection between the two, but unlike anything she has ever encountered. It is nothing like her own connection with Kylo, y/n is no force user. Rey has stopped talking. Of course, Kylo notices. He knows what she is doing, and he lets her. Rey jumps to images of the past, conversations between Hux and Kylo. Discussions of destruction, _exploitation._ Then she is back to y/n, she feels all that Kylo does- He is watching her swim, and he _wants her_. No, _he needs her_. It is almost beyond his control, and he grows angry. The image fades, Rey returns to Kylo in the present.

She takes a loud breath. Kylo's face sinks, he examines her.

_**"What did you see?"** _

**"Who is** she?" She spits.

Rey and the remaining resistance have fled to Batuu, her mind is straining as she does everything she can to keep this connection without him digging into her.

**"Another lost girl. Parentless. _Like you._ "**

**"You lie."** She speaks softly.

**"Do I?"**

**"What does she have that _you need?_** _"_

**"I do not know."**

**"Ben, whatever it is- you do not understand it. Be careful with what you do not know of the force. Do not let it control you."**

Kylo turns around and throws his saber, their force connection immediately cuts off. He punches the wall, his blood boiling. Her last words echo in his mind.

> _**"Do not let it control you."** _

He needs to understand. But he does not know how. He is disgusted by his vulnerability. He has no one to turn to but himself. Though deep inside, he knows this is not true.


	10. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n is on a break after weeks of traveling. She reunites with familiar faces, including you know who.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW  
> **SMUT AHEAD**
> 
> ORIGINALLY POSTED 7/5/20 --- EDITED 8/6/20
> 
> I am feeling very unmotivated to continue this fic. I hope this feeling will pass, but this story I was once so excited about now feels dull because I am disappointed about my writing. I hope you are still able to enjoy this. I will continue to do my best to make this a good story.

> _My toes dig into damp soil. Small pebbles stick to my soles. I hear my breathing, but nothing else. Though I should be, I am not afraid. I am surrounded by trees, all towering over me. Moonlight delicately slips between the canopies. I look around, it comes to my attention that Iris is standing beside me. He is looking ahead, and begins to walk. I look to the ground, and he is barefoot too. Strange, because Iris isn't the type to be._
> 
> "What do you hope for the future?"
> 
> "Hm... Peace, balance, no exploitation, life to be free to continue, evolve."
> 
> _"Yes, balance is what we all want, isn't it? The resistance wants peace, but what we really need is balance. Peace is not balance. Balance is the good and evil coming to meet. Not rising above one another."_
> 
> _I look to Iris, contemplating these words._
> 
> _"Rejoice for difference, y/n."_
> 
> _"I agree... Why are you telling me this?"_
> 
> _"You know."_
> 
> _I search within myself. Mind blazing for answers, to come to my senses._
> 
> _"You have made peace with your circumstances, haven't you, Iris?"_
> 
> _"We must. They want us here."_
> 
> _"Hux and Kylo Ren?"_
> 
> _"No."_
> 
> _I move my eyes around the trees as we walk through an endless forest._

An alarms shrieks. I groan, flipping over my datapad on the ground beside my bed, snoozing the alarm. I would go on to do this about 6 more times, until I realize I have 20 minutes until my meeting with Hux.

 **"No no... Kriff."** _Why can't I just wake up?_

I sit up, memories of last night beginning to return. I turn my head to look out at the stars. _Someone tell me what to do. Everyday I grow less sure of myself, less sure of the universe, of science._ My thoughts dampen my mood. I look for my clothes, pulling on the exact same thing as yesterday because I am in such a rush. I run to the bathroom, getting myself ready. I brush my teeth as I sit on the toilet, then quickly fix up my hair. Leaving no room to breath, I slip my shoes on and throw myself out into the hallway. Various people give me looks of judgement as I run down the halls. _I am assuming we are meeting in the same place..._ I approach the door, making sure to get myself together before I go in. I walk in wearing a forced face of calm and respect.

**"Good morning, General Hux."**

He sits at the head of the table. I am comforted to see he is not standing. I take a seat two seats from him, feeling this is an appropriate amount of distance.

**"Yes, hello, y/n."**

**"Mae and Iris will not be joining us?**

**"No. Since you will be working alone now, that is no longer appropriate."** _oh. That does make sense._

Hux goes on to detail my next trip, which he would like me to depart for in a mere few hours. With such low expectations of them ever being courteous, I put on a good face. Today I leave for Dandoran, my pilot will be a trooper who will stay at the ship 24/7. _Did I scare Kylo off?_ Im too insignificant for him to bother with me anyway. Maybe my time with him was just an odd happening, maybe he will only be a memory. I feel pain in my chest at this thought, loneliness takes hold. He is a madman... Why do I even feel attached?

* * *

**Over a month has passed.** I have visited enough planets for a lifetime. I have documented many new species, discovered potential medicines, poisons, and have proved myself to be an important asset to the First Order. But I have also opened these planets up to the First Order, many planets have been taken over, swarths of land guarded for its resources. I barely sleep knowing the harm I am bringing to the galaxy. Each planet I go to, I attempt to alert locals of First Order activities. I have almost gotten shot, but some have listened. Most think I am crazy, but over time I have gotten better at making my case. I thought that if they know ahead of time that the First Order may arrive, they have some sort of chance of surviving it. I have no experience in playing the hero, but this seems better than nothing. I wonder if one day I will run into the resistance, and my world will change. But that is only a reaching thought.

It is my first day back without any plan for another trip, and it is clear the constant traveling has taken a toll on me. The moment I walked into today's meeting with Hux, it was clear he saw this. So, he informed me I will now be on a "break." I am also required to take up combat training, _including_ weight training. I would love to pack on muscle, sure! But _why_? Something feels strange about this. _And_ to my surprise, there was no mention of another trip. Instead, they directed my attention to research in their lab and library. After hours hunched over books and various pieces of equipment, I went to my first training session. The trainer was- _unpleasant_. I vehemently ignored many of his condescending and surprised remarks. When I left the session red faced and drenched in sweat, I had the urge to punch a wall. I pictured my fist smashing through a wooden door. I grit my teeth and walked to my quarters, feeling rather at ease. After finishing dinner, an alert on my datapad goes off. I jog to my bedroom, swiftly picking it up from the ground beside my bed. I smile, seeing that I have received a message:

> Sender: Mr. Iris
> 
> Recipient: Miss y/l/n
> 
> y/n,
> 
> I heard you are back on base for a few days at least. Mae and I would love to see you. We need to hear about these mysterious trips of yours... Can you come to my quarters tonight? Mae will be over in 10, but you are welcome to come over whenever you would like. I can meet you at your place and walk over with you, or give you my room number. 
> 
> Let me know. We can't wait to see you!
> 
> -Iris

I sit down on my bed, thinking of my response. I don't see why I shouldn't go over there. I can't remember the last time I hung out with people.. With _friends._ Social anxiety bubbles in my chest, but my loneliness calms that down. _I wonder where Kylo has been._ For someone who says the force is connecting us, he seems to have suddenly left my life... 

> Sender: Miss y/l/n
> 
> Recipient: Mr. Iris
> 
> Iris!
> 
> Your message put a big smile 'ole on my face. I would love to see you both. Why don't I come to you in 15-20 minutes. How does that sound? And should I bring anything?!
> 
> -y/n

A few minutes later my datapad dings again.

> Sender: Mr. Iris
> 
> Recipient: Miss y/l/n
> 
> That is perfect. My room number is 04-249. The only thing you need to bring is yourself!
> 
> See you soon

I let out a deep breath and throw my datapad to the side. My body falls back onto a mound of pillows. _04-249, got it._ I'm a bit of a mess, so I decide to change and freshen myself up. I am in new field clothes thanks to General Hux. However, they are more suitable for the First Order- dark colors, including their emblem. Gross. I decide to go through my closet, looking through the various garments I have collected since my arrival. I decide on a white button down blouse, which I wear generously unbuttoned, and jeans(those I got on one of the planet's I visited). An okay ensemble, but pretty good given my situation. I wear my hair down, rubbing my fingers on my scalp to give my hair some life. 15 minutes later, I am out the door. The hallways are empty. I am on the 3rd level, and Iris is on the 4th, so I look for an elevator... I stumble upon one a few minutes later, and take it to Iris' floor. I find his room quickly, trembling with anticipation. I knock three times.

Iris opens the door with a smile.

 **"I am so glad you made it!"** I lean forward into his arms, we hold a hug for 3 long seconds.

**"I've missed you."**

**" _Forget about me?_ " **Mae grins behind Iris and he steps aside.

 **"Never! Of course I've missed you."** I pull her into my arms.

We release each other, glancing in each other's eyes and wearing warm smiles. I follow her inside to a black couch. I look around, noticing the layout of his quarters is quite similar to mine. The kitchen is more tucked away, making the living room feel intimate. I plop myself on the couch beside Mae and Iris. Without any hesitation, we dive into conversation over wine and fruit. They pry as many details about my trips as they can from me. I have nothing to hide from them, and so I am honest. I even told them I had been warning locals- which Mae called me a beautiful daredevil for. Our conversation moved between laughter and seriousness throughout the night. Suddenly, it is 23:00.

 **"23:00 already? I have to be at the lab super early for some sithspit. I don't want to, but I should get** **going."** Mae places her empty wine glass on the coffee table. The glass clicks against the wood. She walks to her shoes, and faces us as she slips them on. 

**"Next time, I'll bring you both to my place and we can drink alll the wine we desire."**

**"Of course-maybe except for the wine part. It is always a pleasure, Mae."** Iris smiles, his eyes beaming. 

**"I'll see you soon? How come I miss you already?"** I shrug.

 **"Anytime you want. Don't go too crazy without me! Thanks for having me over, Iris. Goodnight you too."** We watch her quietly leave, sitting still. I realize Iris and I are relaxed on the same black couch, _close to one another_. Color creeps onto my cheeks. I cradle a wine glass in my hands and think- _I need to drink more._ My impulsiveness is kicking in.

Iris reaches for the wine bottle, and I steal a glance at him. I run my eyes up his strong jaw, his eyes, his shoulders. My heart quickens. _I want to pull him to me_. How would he react? He turns to me, catching me in my daze.

**"Your eyes are beautiful. They are honest."** My sudden embarrassment fizzled away at these words. They took me by surprise.

**"What makes you say that?"**

**"I rather that you know it, than you not. Don't let this place drain all the color out of you."** Iris brings a hand to my knee. My eyes fall to it, but he maintains his focus on my irises. He sips his wine, looking at me with eyes of warmth and softness.

 **"Iris-I don't know what to say, but _thank you._ Truthfully, it sounds like you are describing yourself."** I chuckle, finishing my wine glass in one gulp. The wine is about 15% alc, so a glass or so more will put me right where I want to be... I refill my glass, and Iris does the same.

 **"You know, you speak so.... I guess I would say eloquently- that it makes me laugh. Has anyone ever told you that?"** He chuckles.

**"No.. no... That is a first. I would not say I am eloquent. I do tend to run over every sentence in my head before speaking, as if I am in a play rehearsal. I hope one day I will outgrow this habit. My mind does not feel free."**

**"I can drink to that-I don't think any of us feel _free._ " **I raise my glass humorously at Iris, and then take a drink. He does the same.

 **"We still have control over many things in our lives. At least we have that. I wish I could fight them from the inside, but I am a chemist, not a solider... Not a rebel. One day I may find a way to, but right now, the only thing I know to do is be in their lab and prevent them from developing anything... _dangerous._ I know balance will return, but I am not sure I will live to see it."** My heart races at the sound of _balance_. My mind flashes to my dream- a feeling akin to deja vu overcomes me. I let out a short laugh.

**"Balance... The very thing I work for in nature. It now feels idealistic. I know I should not think this way. But I can't think otherwise."**

**"There are many people fighting for this. You know there is hope."**

I rest my palm over his hand on my knee. I hold it there, and "discretely" throw the rest of the wine down my throat, and face him. I bring the back of my hand to his cheek, admiring his presence... So gentle, and kind. He slips the hand on my knee away and onto his cheek, where he holds my hand and then lowers it. He run his thumb over my knuckles.

 **"We drank a lot, y/n. Maybe I should walk you back now."** He is right, I can hardly think straight but I feel _too good_ to leave. The world is suddenly weightless. My mind can finally breath.

 **"I know, but I want to stay with you."** My pulse speeds. I don't give it a second thought, and I kiss him. His lips are warm and inviting. We kiss smoothly, and it is kind- it does not feel platonic. He holds my chin and moves me onto my back. I lift my legs onto the couch, and he hovers over me as we continue to kiss.

 **"Are you okay?"** He asks. I give him a small nod, smiling with rosy cheeks. 

I push my hips up to grind him, forcing a moan to spill from his lips into mine. He gently holds my face, moving his kisses to my neck. Drunk and filled with lust, aggressive desire creeps in. I carefully push his head into my neck, and he takes the hint. I moan as he sucks behind my ear, then in the middle of my neck, where I push him harder down for just a quick moment. He makes a trail of kisses to my breasts- _but then he stops_. He lifts his face from my chest, and looks at me.

 **"We should stop. I- I don't want to do this now. _We shouldn't._ "** He whispers. Then he lowers his head and holds me. **"I feel content with you in my arms."** He laughs. **"I am pretty drunk. I know I should shut up."** He sits back and rubs his forehead.

 **"For a few seconds, you made me forget about everything... But I know we shouldn't."** Impulsively, I reach over to the table, quickly filling my glass to the brim.

**"y-y/n"**

**"I know- I know. But please."** He leaves it be, and I chug the wine. _Anything to take the edge off_. 

**"Can I walk you back?"** I think for a moment, and decide I'd rather take the lonely stroll.

**"Don't you worry mister Iris. I am an expert at navigating while drunk."**

**"No- no- I will walk you."** Iris stands up, and I grab his arm, looking up to him.

 **"I am ooookay Iris, I promise. _Please_ \- I could use the walk to clear my head."** He sighs.

**"Fine. Let me know that you are alright?"**

I nod and smile, feeling the wine hit me even more. I am truly doing my best to act okay, but I feel myself slipping. I concentrate on putting on my shoes, and give Iris and sloppy but snug hug before leaving. I whisper _goodbye_ as we hold each other, and I feel myself melt.

I walk out of his quarters wearing a smile, feeling proud that I convinced him to let me leave alone... _I am feeling pretty good_...

I aimlessly walk down the hallway, assuming I will find my way somehow. Small burps rise up my throat. I giggle, smiling as my eyes slowly blink, fighting my droopy lids. However tipsy I may be, I am wearing it well. My cheeks are flushed, and my hair is perfectly messy. Another button on my blouse came undone, opening it up to slightly expose my breasts. Storm troopers walking by turn their heads, but something tells them to not say a word. One had wished to take advantage of me, but they chose not to.

I drag my fingertips across the wall as I try to find my way to my quarters, but I feel lost. My head is light and airy, soothing and emptying my mind. I am walking unsteadily, clearly in a daze. Instinctively, I turn a corner- colliding with a large black body. Before it slams into mine, they grab my arm. My attention flies to their face, which is a familiar one. _Kylo Ren's_. I smile wide, and he scowls.

 **"My prince charming is finally here!"** I try to raise my arms in joy, but he holds one firmly. 

He squints and reaches for my chin. He pulls it up to him, turning it to inspect each side of my face.

 **"You are drunk. Disgusting.** **Go back to your quarters before you make more of a fool of yourself."** I frown. Mortification knocks a wave of sobriety into my system. As he holds my face, the world begins to feel a bit clearer. Despite this moment of clarity, I decide to push him. He reacts quickly, pushing me against the wall with his hand on my neck. Very slightly, he lifts me by my neck. It only last for a few moments- _not that that really matters_. He releases me with a look in his eyes I cannot place. _Feisty!_ I slump down, the world spinning. I reach a hand to my head, trying to ground myself. I listen to my breaths and close my eyes. Two arms suddenly reach under me, picking me up. I hesitate to open my eyes. When I do, I find myself staring up through the nostrils of Kylo Ren- who is carrying me.

 **"L-let me go! Just kill me here!"** I kick my legs but he squeezes me, crushing my body. He awkwardly clamps a hand over mouth. I mumble into it, then muster up the breath to try and scream through his hand. He stares forward as he walks undistracted by me. Without missing a beat, he puts his fingers in my mouth, curling them down. I gag, and he pulls me closer to his chest. Eventually I relax and shut my eyes.

A few minutes later I hear the sound of an entrance open and close. I find myself being carried to my bedroom, where he carelessly drops me onto my mattress.

 **" _Well ow!"_** I sit up, glaring at him.

I prop myself up, and stare up at him. He reaches down, running a hand through my hair. I am taken by surprise, and turn to the side, brushing his hand away.

**"Leave... The room's spinning. I'll throw up on you if you don't."**

His eyes trail down to my face, stopping at the deep red and purple hickeys on my neck. The location of his gaze is obvious to me, but I think nothing of it. Though when it becomes clear what I have done, he forcefully swallows anger, and draws his hand away.

 **"You have no restraint."** He gets on his knees on the bed, my legs now between his. I hiccup, heat bubbling on my chest and cheeks.

 **"Why should I?"** I grin, biting my lip.

 **"You are going to regret it."** I move my head back, trying to create for room between us.

 **"And why is that?"**

He grabs my cheeks, squeezing them. I fight my parting lips, squeezing them shut. He pries my mouth open with teeth, and clamps down on my bottom lip. He gives it a tug before setting it free. My eyes relax and my core tickles for more. He draws out his tongue, running it from my chin to my top lip. He sucks it violently- pain piercing through the small lump of flesh, and my head jerks to the side. I turn back and spit in his face. A wad of saliva hits his brow. A thin droplet slowly falls down to his cheek. _He doesn't flinch._ I clench my fists, waiting for his next move.

**"I wish I hadn't _only_ kissed him. I wish he fucked me... You know you treat me like property sometimes?... _Why?_ " **My eyes follow the spit that continues to fall down his face. He doesn't bother to wipe it off.

**"Because you are. Don't lie to yourself. _You're mine._ "**

**"What gave you that idea? To me, you are just a toy."**

**"Oh- _am I?_ "**

Kylo grabs my hips and holds them in place. Then he drops his head to my stomach and pushes my shirt up with his nose. He kisses my stomach, and in strange bliss, my head falls back.

**"You thought I was gone, didn't you?** **I couldn't keep you on a leash so soon. You have a duty."**

**"How _respectful_ of you."**

He runs his fingers over my stomach. **"You want this _so bad_." **I pant, my heart squeezing. I focus on his hands, and my center _throbs_.I can't help but drunkenly smile.

Without moving his hands, he flings my arms out from behind. My body crashes onto my duvet, knocking out any air in my chest. Now I am laid out on the bed, my arms pinned above my head, and nearly as vulnerable as one can be. With everything I have, I resist- huffing and grunting... _but I can't move_. I watch his face stress with concentration on the force, and then his whole body relaxes. He resumes kissing my stomach. I don't move, knowing there is nothing I really _can_ or _want_ to do. Finally, I feel more grounded, more sober. Though my head still feels light.

I am not sure where it even went, but anxiety now foams in my throat. _He is dominating me_. I can't defend myself or get away. When I imagine myself running from here, I do not feel any relief. I feel more relief under fingers, letting him take my reins _._ I swallow a moan as he palms my clit through my pants. And then he undos them, impatiently yet gracefully unbuttoning and yanking off my jeans. I try to close my legs and turn away. He quickly grabs my knees, and holds my legs open. He doesn't look up at me, his eyes stay stuck on my body.

 **"So... _helpless._ "** He runs a finger up my thigh, hooking it beneath my underwear. He slides it down to my ankles, and gently pushes them off to the floor. Anxiety and desire crashes into my brain.

 **"J-just fuck me..."** The words slip out. Alcohol clearly remains in my system, but my sense of longing for Kylo Ren is clear as water. I would let him have every piece of me if he wanted to. But I first need him to slam into me.

I giggle to myself as my thoughts unravel. As my head lightly shakes, I suddenly feel mobility return to my arms. I quickly sit up, pulling my face to his. With the force of a punch, our lips smash into each other.

Without any good reason, I cut off the kiss, and I slap his face. My hand lands on his cheek with an unexpected crack. I quickly analyze Kylo-a fire appearing in his eyes. I want to laugh again, but I hold it behind a smile I am trying to force down. I watch darkness swallow him, and I realize what I had just done, and to _who_. My childish smile fades, and my heart picks up. He reaches for my shirt, slowly unbuttoning it. With ease, it slides off my shoulders, and he drops it to the ground.

**" _Get on your hands and knees._ " ** _Fuck._

I ignore my exposure and push away creeping feelings of embarrassment. I roll onto my stomach, facing the window. Starlight bathes our bodies. I get on my hands and knees, trying my best to not tremble. Kylo keeps his clothes on, but I hear him slide his pants partially down. He leans forward against, whispering into my ear:

 **"You're _mine._ " **He slaps my ass with a sharp hit. I squeeze my eyes, taking in the pain, and give out a hushed moan.

 **"No."** I whisper. He runs a finger over my entrance, collecting my juices.

**" _Are you sure?_ "**

I shriek- without warning he thrusts deep into me, staying inside me as he digs his nails into my ass, positioning himself to fuck me. He starts to thrust rhythmically, the sounds of skin slapping together fills the room. Every thrust I let out a choked moan, he pounds into me roughly, keeping a fast pace. He pants behind me, every so often letting out a stifled moan. I stare out at the stars and pleasure and pain tear me apart. Tears collect in my eyes. _I can't remember the last time someone fucked me like this_. My head spins and I _ache_ for more. I slow bring my hand to rub my clit, but Kylo pins my arm down. He brings his hand to my neck, continuing to thrust into me. The pressure on my neck increases, but he begins to slow his pace, trying to collect himself. Still inside of me, he leans forward to plant a kiss on my back. He continues thrusting, quickening the pace again, but seemingly more reserved. Every thrust is deep, and choked high pitched moans spill from me. He occasionally hits my cervix, causing me to nearly scream. He continues to choke me, and I start to feel weak, _lightheaded_. I feel myself slowly slipping away.

Before stars come into my sight, he pulls his hand away, running his fingers through my hair. He stops thrusting.

 **"** **You take my cock so well..."** He speaks softly, out of breath.

My insides swirl. He pulls out, slamming back into me. He moves slowly in and out of me, more conscious of our bodies. He snakes a hand between my legs, rubbing slow circles over my clit. My breath hitches. His hips move faster, and so do his fingers. Sweat lines my forehead, I can't swallow any moans- my consciousness is blinded by pleasure.

**"K-kylo!"**

**"You are a filthy slut."** He huffs, slapping my ass again. Suddenly his grip on my hips tighten, his nails digging into me-

 **"fffuck."** He spills into me, continuing to pump in and out, slowing down into long thrusts. He pulls out, wiping his dick on my inner thigh.

Kylo leans forward, kissing up my back. He turns my head around to him, where he plants a heavy kiss on my lips and pulls on my bottom lip with his teeth. He whispers against my lips:

**" _Fucking whore._ "**

I shudder, clenching at his words. I can feel his cum leaking from me, and I slide down to lay on my stomach, my head now on a pillow and turned to the stars. Kylo pulls his pants up, running a hand through his sweaty hair. He runs his eyes over my bare body, sighing.

 **"Stay with me."** I speak softly, catching him by surprise.

 **"No... _Sleep_."**

Silently, he walks away. I do nothing but close my eyes, and crumble. I flip through each memory of the night, trying to process even just a shrivel of it. I let out a muffled sob, my body trembling with exhaustion and devastation. Wiping wet eyes, I wrap myself in a heavy blanket and slip away into sleep, picturing Kylo's lustful eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dandoran: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Dandoran


	11. Lost, you are not.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y/n is unexpectedly given a new assignment. She opts for something else...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short, but its been a while since I've written for this fic and I needed a warm up chapter. I am really looking forward to the next one. It will be a turning point for y/n, and maybe even Kylo Ren(HiNT)...
> 
> _________
> 
> IMPORTANT- I am going to be heavily editing earlier chapters.... A bit scary how many typos and cringy language I used. I hope my writing style will seem improved in this chapter. I hate using the word "I" constantly, and am working on being more conscious of that.
> 
> I hope you all are doing very well <3 
> 
> Any feedback, criticisms or even ideas are welcome.

_Two bodies collide into one, their sweat mixing on burning skin. Choked breaths spill like a constant rain. I see myself- on my knees and desperate. A shell of a man now suddenly filled smacks his hips forward. My body hoards each elation until it melts and slips away._

Puffy eyes flutter open, aching to be both rubbed and soothed. I glance at the clock, seeing that I only slept a few hours. How can I barely sleep after last night? A breathy chuckle fills the room. My body uneagerly rolls to the edge of the bed, and I reach to the floor for my data pad. The screen illuminates, a message notification popping up:

> Sender: General Armitage Hux
> 
> Recipient: Miss y/n y/l/n
> 
> Miss y/l/n,
> 
> A series of forest fires have erupted on [Aleen](https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Aleen) in the Mid Rim. The situation is dire. Your presence is needed immediately. 
> 
> Today's training is cancelled.

_**"Oh...**_ **Shit.** _ **"**_ I huffed, reluctance filling the room.

The datapad falls to the floor with a soft thud. I swing my feet over the bed and rush to my feet. My body suddenly becomes light, my vision filling with darkness and fuzzy stars. I reach for the wall, but my knees buckle, my fingers only grazing it as my body slumps down. I faint into a short slumber filled with a vivid dream.

> _My head tilts to my feet, disappearing beneath the fog. The air is heavy and wet. I look up to the trees. A cluster of small lights dance in the air. They rush to me, swarming my eyes._

I awake with my cheek squished on the floor, body heavy with dread. An unspoken word enters my ear. Voiceless, yet clearly from someone- _something_.

**_M-19_... _M-19...._ **

I shake my head, silencing it. My arms shakily push me up, and I stand up- this time, _slowly._ Ten minutes fly by. I'm dressed in boring black clothes, my hair as natural but tamed as can be, and I skip out the door. People are scattered amongst the hallways and I concentrate my eyes on the floor. The trip to the meeting room seemed shorter than usual, though the entrance is just as daunting. I step inside to a strained greeting from the red goblin himself.

* * *

The meeting was just as bruising as any other. Another planet who's flora and fauna are dying from exploitation. Well- actually- this time it isn't quite exploitation at all. Rebels are burning First Order agriculture fields. Inevitably, the fires are ferociously spreading. _Ironic._ Neither side seems to be innocent of getting civilians stuck in the middle. Many don't survive it.

I glazed over the details of the trip. Essentially, I need to run to the nearest ship and fly to Aleen. I will access damage, recovery, and work with their firefighter unit. The best part of it all? I will fly alone. Finally, a solo trip! Should I believe Hux let his heart soften? I doubt it. I'm more inclined to believe the Supreme Leader would rather I not be with some trooper- _alone._ It feels naive to think he would go out his way for this, though.

As told to, I moved through the halls in a sprint. Immediately, I recognize "my" ship. The docking bay is shockingly frigid. The silence, or rather lack of chatter, is more evident than usual. Halfway to the ship, my body freezes mid step. Pushing aside the peculiarity of it, I feel _him_. Questionably, I turn around. His scar catches my eye. He walks with his shoulders forced back. Though the muscles of his face are lose, and his expression unshaped, his tension is _obvious-_ Taut rubber, that if cut, it'd fill the air with a sharp clap. He is surrounded by large figures, mirroring Kylo with their black garments. Each wears a helmet. 

They walk across the docking bay to his command shuttle. My eyes do not leave him until the ship swallows him. _He didn't even turn his head to me._ I was nothing more than a ghost. My head snaps back ahead. I don't hesitate to jump in my ship, rushing through take off preparation. Buckled in, I fumble with the navigation.

> _**M-19...** _

I shake my head and huff, the "word" sitting in my head. Suddenly I realize what it is- G _rid coordinates._ It would be completely, **completely,** fucking insane to punch them in. Yet, simultaneously with that thought, I enter them in. A suicide mission, for sure. Wearing invisible shackles for so long has made me impulsive in my first opportunity to _give myself_ freedom. A new life, perhaps. The engine roars to life. I leave without turning any heads, though my departure did not go unnoticed.

Sitting in the pilot chair, Kylo Ren felt my body move away. He tried to reach out, see my face and feel my life in the force. It lasted for a fleeting moment, begging his face into sorrow. In his eyes there was a hint of something- some kind of emptiness, some sort of premonition that I was heading to a place of no return. Somehow he knew the next time we meet, he will be confronting something new. Though I will not have changed, the y/n I show the world may be. 

Sitting in my own ship's pilot chair, I felt someone lurking, someone creeping behind my back, stealing a glance at me. Though my ship was empty, and I barely understood or could explain the feeling, unconsciously I knew exactly what it was. Deep within me I knew that Kylo and I had said our goodbyes. I knew that he _knew_ this departure is different.

* * *

My ship approaches a green planet, covered in clouds. From afar, there is nothing spectacular about it. This planet may not be spectacular, but it is grand in its uniqueness. 

The fog is thick when I neared the planet's surface. I squirmed in my chair, my heart slamming against my rib cage. I could hardly see. _How can I land? Where can I land?_ Suddenly my ship flies through canopies of trees. I pull up, teeth gritting. The fog begins to thin, a swamp comes into view. I decide to take a chance. I aim my ship for the swamp. It skids on the water, slamming into the bank of the pond. My body is thrown forward, but my safety belt hold me back, bruising my shoulders. I drop my face into clammy palms, slowing down uneven breaths.

I whimper. I cannot believe I listened to a- a fever dream! I abandoned my mission for a swamp! Hastily, my fingers search the safety belt buckles and release my body. I lower the entrance ramp, stumbling outside for a desperate gulp of fresh air. I should have checked the atmosphere, but by the time the realization hit me it was too late. The air is fine, and miraculously, I am _too_.

I spin around, eyes scanning my surroundings. There is nothing here- just mossy rocks and fog and suspicious rattling in the trees. Is there nothing on this planet, or am I just _lost?_

 **"Fffffuck!!!!!!!!!!!"** My scream echoes, shoulders slumping.

Dragging my feet, I take a seat on a fallen tree. I run my fingers over lichen on the bark, admiring its color and texture. My body folds, head crashing into my arms. A sudden lightness fills the air. The thickness of the fog is the same, but the feeling of this place isn't.

**"Lost, you are not. On your way, you must be."** It spits a row of crazy laughs. High pitched, though not annoying.

I look up to a small glowing green creature. It has long pointy ears that jut out to the sides, and a wrinkly, pinched face. My eyes widen. I blink, hoping it is just an hallucination. They take hobbled steps with a wooden cane, sitting beside me. I wait a few moments, hoping when I look to my side, nothing will be there. I peer over my shoulder, trying to catch of glimpse of it, but I can't see. So, expecting nothing, I turn my body to where it sat.

**"Ah!"** My hands fly to my chest. I jump out of my seat.

**"Conjured me, have you?"**

**"C-conjured you?"**

**"Hm. Hm. Hm. The ways of the force. Interesting, they are."**

**"Are you... the force?"** I ask like a clueless child.

 **"ha! ha! ha!- In ways, yes. In ways, no. Once live, I did. Many many years ago."** The thing stands up, looking over me. It steps forward, holding out its cane. I watch with raised brows. This seemed to egg them on. It takes another step to me, prodding with that wooden stick! I shake my body, and it lowers the cane.

**"Excuse me! What do you think you are doing?!"**

**"Very strange. Veeeeery strange. Force user, you are not. Connected to the force, very much so."**

**"Did you really need to poke me to find that out? Besides, aren't all things connected to the force? I- well I do not know much about the force, but I do know _that._ "**

**"Oh yes, of course... But, you..."** It lets out a high pitch grunt, almost like a chuckle. **"Tell me, you are who?"**

 **"A biologist. I was taken from my planet by an oppressive empire. Now I _work_ for them. They call themselves the First Order, but they aren't even first in anything... Except maybe having a red head run their army." **I run a hand through my hair and laugh to myself.

**"Working for the dark side, you are."**

**"It wasn't a choice. I wanted to run, but... I sacrificed myself for something that I love."** It lets out a high pitched grunt again.

 **"For love, a sacrifice it no longer is."** Their head bobs up and down as it speaks.

**"What is your name? Who even are you?"**

**"Old old thing, I am. Jedi Master, I was. Long ago, failed, I did. But new leaf, I turned. Another new leaf, are you?"**

**"Hm? What do you mean? And- and what is your name?!"**

**"Yoda... Yoda, yoda, yoda. Hm!"** It squeals. **"Friends with the dark side, are you? Tainted, you are."**

Sounds of slapping skin and stifled moans creep into my consciousness. It lasts only a few seconds, but my cheeks are rosey and shameful.

**" _what?"_**

**"Kylo Ren. Siiith lord..."**

**"Y-yes. Not a _friend_ -I do know him. How do you know who he is?" **Yoda goes back to the log and sits, cheeky sounds pouring from him.

 **"Wears many faces, the force does. Many signatures, its imbalance has. _Ben Solo_ did not leave, but lost, he is." **My brows furrow, shortly ruminating over it.

**"I... am not following. I'm sorry. I don't know much about the force, and I have no idea what you are talking about or going on about."**

**"You will."** Yoda sights. **"Connected to young Solo, you are. Interesting** , **this is. Not unheard of. The force guides us. Control, it does not. The forces lives in you. Growing, it is. Why? Not for me to know. Guide you to the path of answers, I must."**

**"You are going to guide me? I do not know who you are, and I am nothing short of- of confused... Why do you think you need to guide me, and where to?"**

**"Been through this before, I have. Trust, you must garner.** **Strong with the force, the place is. Speak to you, it may. Follow me. I will show you. You will understand. Show you what you need to see, it will. Fear, do not."**

**"I-"**

**"Come. come."** Yoda's cane support its tiny body up, and without gesturing to me, it walks into the trees. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHA I hope the Yoda dialogue isn't so bad....
> 
> Heavily inspired by Yoda in the empire strikes back. HOWEVER, the idea for this chapter came from the qui gonn + whills episode in The Clone Wars where Yoda learns how to become a force ghost and goes to Dagobah! Also an inspiration for most of this fic tbh. 
> 
> Just incase you are interested... Here is a compilation of Yoda laughing, just so you can better hear it in your head ;) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_sTYCMNfEU
> 
> P.S. Does anyone know what the lights in the dream are?...


	12. Remembering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My courses have been overwhelming. In fact, they swallowed me. I am ready to come back, and I cannot wait to write consistently......  
> THIS HAS BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFTS FOR TOO LONG.
> 
> I think the true reason that this is so late is that I avoided writing the NSFW scene that *was* going to be at the end of this chapter- *TW* however, in the past few weeks I have found myself especially haunted by an unhealthy relationship and I struggle to feel sexually comfortable and confident. I am moving on, and I can't wait to put out the next chapter. Originally, the draft of this chapter was twice as long. However, when I revisited it, I chose to shorten this chapter and make the next one longer(and very NSFW)..
> 
> As always, I am sending you all my love. Please feel free to leave a comment, give me some feedback, etc.

" _That place… is strong with the dark side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go._ "  
" _What's in there?_ "  
" _Only what you take with you._ "

* * *

On the planet of Dagobah lies a dark cave. An _evil cave_. Not inherently evil, no, but powered by darkness purer than the sight of a blind man. It is swallowed by a tree, its branches diverging and revealing its entrance. From outside, the interior is pure black. Not a single detail may be made out. Yoda stops 10 feet before it. He smiles at me, staring. 

**"I'm not going to bump into any creatures in there, am I?"** Yoda laughs. 

He walks to me, this time more effortlessly and independent from his cane. A green little hand, yellow claws overgrown, reaches for my hand. His hand clasps around mine. He gives me a look, holding out his cane, presumably for me to take it. And I do, but with confusion. Both hands now free, he holds my hand with both of his. 

**"Many stood where you now do. As will many more. Escape destiny, you may not. Even the mightiest of us all, failed they did."** His eyes trailed off for a moment. **"Hidden away, you were. Know this, do you?"**

 **"I try to think of it differently."** My eyes falter. **"My parents were rebels. They- I was given a life on Devaron where I could be free and safe... Because they no longer could."** His inhale his sharp, but his breath leaves quiet and calm. Quickly, his demeanor shifts. Energy revisits his eyes. A grunt fills the space between us. It hangs there, waiting for our next move.

 **"Young y/n,"** Surprised at the sound of my name, I hold my breath. **"Ahead of you, life is. Behind you, nothing more than lessons."**

 **"What am I supposed to do?"** _What is ahead?_

 **"Your heart, follow it, you must. Always have you. Your destiny, always disguised, it was."** I laugh.

**"Has anyone ever told you... You speak- well, sort of like a puzzle?"**

Yoda releases my hands. His cane slips from my grip as he pulls it down.

 **"What is forgotten,"** He presses his cane against my chest. **"the heart remembers. Always, may the force be with you."** Yoda steps away, familiar cheeky sounds drizzling out. He nods.

I turn to the cave. Clustered whispers grow, its source unmistakable. Wishing to say goodbye, thank him, and frankly, too many things, I turn back to the green little man. Like dust in the wind, Yoda is gone. My forehead creases, fist tightening to give me strength. I walk to the cave. Unrecognizable voices beat my eardrums. Cold air pours from the entrance. I shiver, but step inside. 

In still air, darkness wraps around me. I spin, looking for a search of light. I close my eyes, suddenly concentrating on a forgotten memory

> _A baby lays in the knees of a woman. Her body an unnatural white with a face decorated in red geometrical shapes. The women hunches over the baby, palms pressed against the ground. She whispers,_
> 
> **_Daughters of Allya.  
>  Learn these words and learn them well, for they are the foundations  
> that will increase your strength and keep you safe from harm.  
> Those who suffer emotion will never enjoy peace.  
> Those who choose ignorance will never know their own greatness.  
> Those who yield to passion will fail to dominate.  
> Those who fear death will never achieve pure power.  
> Never forget that your magic must always be used wisely.  
> Never concede to evil, lest you be consumed by it._ **
> 
> Green light glows beneath her palms. She lifts her hands, one resting atop the baby's head, the other against the soles of it's feet. She mutters words I cannot make out, and the baby is consumed in a glowing green fog. The woman violently shakes, shutting her eyes. The light dissipates. Between her hands the baby squirms in discomfort. 
> 
> **"I did all that I can. She is not safe, her presence in the force will forever be abnormal-** _**noticeable.** _ **"**
> 
> _A man and a woman-the baby's parents-stand around them. The woman on the floor rises, cradling the baby._

A scream cracks through the cave. Light now pours in. A woman with her back turned clutches her stomach, a red saber piercing through it. The saber extinguishes and she stumbles back, revealing a figure hidden in the shadows. She reaches out her hand, the figure reaches out theirs- a leather gloved hand. For a moment they hold hands, and she collapses backwards. I rush to this woman, meeting a face that looks just like my own. A tear falls down the side of her face. They meet my eyes, my heart racing. A soft tremble takes over my body.

 **"Why didn't you run?"** She weeped, mouth trembling. Then her face suddenly freezes. The corners of her mouth crawl up, forming a sickly grin. A snicker cuts through me. **"Always doing what you're told, staying in _your place_. Pathetic." **

I throw my head away, covering my eyes with a shaky hand, rubbing my eyes. Mysterious legs now stand in front of me. I look to the hand dangling at their side, gripping a copper saber. My eyes squint, noticing leaves carved in the metal. I gulp, dragging my eyes up to meet myself again _._ I stumble to my feet, stepping back. It ignites its saber and swings- stopping an inch from my neck.

 **"REMEMBER!"** It roars.

 **"I don't! I- I can't!"** My head shakes side to side.

It turns its head, looking to a small hole in the cave's wall. A stream of harsh bright light squeezes through it. My eyes adjust, and suddenly, I see the dancing lights again. They cluster around the opening. I take heavy steps to it, and the dancing light moves away.

**"Wait!"**

I run after them, throwing myself up and out of the cave through the hole. I reached it, and the light dances around me. Faster, and faster, it spins. And then I am engulfed in the yellow light- _trapped_. I cover my face, on the verge of hyperventilating.

 **"y/n."** A joyful voice speaks.

 **"y/n!"** An angry voice speaks.

 **"y/n..."** An eery voices speaks.

 **"y/n!!"** A joyous voice laughs.

**"Remember."**

**"Remember!"**

**"Remember..."**

**"Remember!!"**

I open my eyes, the light suddenly absent. My head spins, visions of the woman and man from my vision in the cave play in my mind. Familiarity fills me. _My parents?_ _My parents..._ I grip my chest, a shock surging through my body. Suddenly I can feel everything around me- its intensity so overwhelming I lower myself to sit in the dirt. My palms rest in the damp soil, feeling the pebbles, and roots, and- and something else. An energy, a _pull._ At first, I do not know what it is. Like a forgotten memory, it comes together in my mind. The woman that held the baby- the baby swallowed in a green glow........ It was _me._ Somehow, I know what occurred...The woman severed my connection to the force, like collapsing a bridge. And now, mysteriously, the bridge is repaired. My eyes scattered around the trees. My breaths are shallow, quickening with each second. I pick up my feet and sprint, following my intuition in search of my ship.

* * *

Woven in anger and betrayal, Kylo Ren meditates before the helmet of his grandfather- the man which he idolizes, and the man which he, truthfully, barely understands at all. He may never know the whole truth of him, of Anakin Skywalker, but for _his_ destiny it holds little value. Kylo's eyes squeeze, a dull pain grasping his brain. 

> **_"I did all that I can."_ **
> 
> **_"Why didn't you run?"_ **
> 
> **_"REMEMBER!"_ **

A quiet whimper rushes from his lips. His eyes flutter open, body swaying. Though the visions were blurry, he knew exactly what they meant. He stands up, grabs his cape, and flies out of his quarters.

*** * ***

Kylo marches to the command bridge, dramatic as ever. Hux spins on his heels, grinning at the shaken up Supreme Leader. 

**"Good evening."**

**"I sense another of your plans in disarray."**

**"What business do you have involving yourself in _my_ affairs?" **

**"Nothing you do is above me,** **_General Hux_ ****. I will not have my troops suffering from your incompetence. Are the arsonist rebels slaughtered?"**

 ** _"Your troops?_ I have sent _our_ finest to save our farms. The rebels are being dealt with, but a battle would destroy it. You may love careless violence but I will have none of it. We must be covert or-"** Kylo raises a finger. His face leans forward, their noses almost brushing.

 **"You haven't heard from them yet, have you?"** Hux's face hardens. **" _I see._ My knights and I will finish them ourselves."**

**"Don't be ridiculous."**

Kylo steps back. His eye twitches, their stares burning into each other. Holding himself back, he storms away. Fear stricken eyes follow him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dark cave is featured in Empire Strikes Back, and is also known as the cave of evil. Read more about it: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Cave_of_Evil

**Author's Note:**

> SW Index:  
> Devaron: A beautiful forest planet with a few cities. The environment is well maintained and cared for by the indigenous peoples, the Devaronians.
> 
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Devaron  
> https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Devaronian


End file.
